Originally Posted by ManofDiscovery
Fair enough if that works for you, but I am not a passive person in that way. I like to go out and and 'get' what I want. Sometimes I don't get it, and that's fine. Sometimes it turns out what I thought I wanted wasn't what I wanted, and that's also fine.
Also, if you wait for another person to come to you, is that not waiting for them to come and 'get' you, the same thing you are saying is wrong? If everyone took such a standoffish approach, people would really struggle to get together.
But what is it that you really "want?" Is finding a girlfriend an end in itself, or a means to and end?
If it's an end in itself, then you're not looking at people as people, you're looking at them as roles. "I don't care about you as a person, I care about my status of not being single."
Or, like most people, is it really that you just want to be happy, and you've been duped by Hollywood into thinking that finding love will solve all your problems?
Oh, how it will not. Real relationships are a shit ton of work. They create far more problems than they solve.
Originally Posted by Tonberry
So for instance, I'll join a board game club because I want to play board games. I'll go towards people and ask to play with them. And after a few months or years of playing once a week, I might grow to like someone I met that way. THEN, I'll ask them out to a date.
I would not, however, think "mmh, how could I meet people. Oh, I know, board game club", and then show up, and look at everyone while thinking "would I want to date him?".
I think it would just ruin the whole experience, I wouldn't have fun, I wouldn't meet friends because I'd be so busy looking for lovers, and I could miss out on someone who is perfect for me because you'd only really know about that after being together enough to know how each other works.
Exactly! You have to do the activities that, in and of themselves, make you happy. Be it stamp collecting or trainspotting, the activity has to be the end in itself. That's what I meant by "You can't trick the universe." You can't pretend that you're going to a stamp collecting convention to discuss stamps, and then secretly be hoping you'll find your true love there. You have to genuinely be interested in stamps.
The other thing I've noticed is that the people I've had the best relationships have never been the people I would ever have thought I'd find myself with. When you go out looking for relationships, you tend to be too picky. But many people have met their mates through mutual friends, doing something completely unrelated to dating. If you go out looking for friends, your criteria are a lot more reasonable.
But, I have to accept that I'll never convince anyone of this, and I don't know why I try. People tried to convince me of it when I was stuck at that stage, and I figured they were full of crap. It's really a skill you only gain with maturity, when you reach the stage in life that you stop expecting other people to solve your problems. And that includes the "problem" of "I don't have a partner." The best way to solve that "problem" is realize that it isn't a problem at all.