Originally Posted by rungsoftheladder
It's just frustrating that I have failed to make my own experiences work in a way that is positive for my marriage. I enjoyed what I did, and I miss it already, but I just cannot see how I can do anything and live with the guilt at the pain she cannot work around. Is there a way to find a healthier way? or am I facing a significantly long (or permanent) return to a mono lifestyle?
The pain she "cannot" or "will not" work around? Does she even have any real desire to work around it? Or is she satisfied to drop the guilt bomb, using it to make you stop doing anything that makes her feel icky?
Working around pain does not mean just looking at the positives and pretending the pain doesn't matter, or that the positives outweigh the negatives. It means looking into the face of the pain and learning to become desensitized to it. Sometimes, that isn't possible, no matter how hard you try. But one thing is certain, it will never happen if you don't want it to.
I'm never a fan of hypocrisy. If she wants the freedom to date other people, then she should suck it up like a big girl and deal with the feelings that come up for her when you do the same. Or, she should decide that she does not want to be in any kind of non-monogamy relationship, and stop seeing other people.