View Single Post
Old 03-05-2013, 03:58 AM
BBQGreg BBQGreg is offline
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 14

Originally Posted by lemondrops View Post
When we got together he did not know about polyamory, but discovered it later. I was shocked and lost it everytime we talked about it. Otherwise, our relationship was very good, we are close, talk about everything, want to be together for the rest of our lives, talk about having kids and getting married and I have never doubted in those plans. However, polyamory still was and has been the topic that makes me yell, scream, cry, break stuff. And makes him be annoyed with me. I must say that I do not like the idea of having multiple partners, it actually scares me tremendously. BUT it is not so much that I yell because of polyamory, I yell because it seems that my boyfriend think only about polyamory and his polyamorous future. He has made me feel worthless, disposable, being replaced, not enough and I feel I am bound to get hurt, so how in the hell could I support it?
Hi, Lemondrops. I think you've said two things there that bother you: 1) the idea of your boyfriend with other partners, and 2) what you perceive as your boyfriend obsessing about polyamory and (I assume) by extension neglecting you. The rest of your post seems to me to deal with both things, so I've got to ask: which is it that bothers you more?

The problem is that he talks openly about what he wants, but for some reason he tends to emphasise things that are not that pleasant to me, while I would sometimes just like to hear good things about this all idea... Firstly, when my boyfriend wanted me to listen to his reasoning that polyamory is good for US, not him, that there are so many monogamous relationships that go to waste and he wants to be with me forever, so we should try something else, but only up to the point that it makes everyone happy, no forcing. This made me laugh at him. I was all "sure, we were happy before this polyamory and we would be so close without it, so no way could we benefit from it in the future". However, yesterday, for the first time I understood him. I did not necessarily agree 100%, but understood him and felt glad that he cares about our happy future.
I believe all human motivation boils down to the question "What's in it for me?". Obviously, people don't all value any particular given answer to that question the same (especially when trade-offs are involved), but that's the question that matters. Basic fact of human existence, as I see it: if someone wants you to do something, you won't do it until you're convinced it's a net gain for you. I've seen more than one post on this forum with someone asking "What was for you in accepting your partner's polyamory?" or "My partner wants a non-monogamous relationship, what can I expect to be in it for me?". If your boyfriend's been offering you unsatisfactory answers to those questions, I don't think there's a thing wrong with you having rejected his answers.

Polyamory should not be the reason to break up with the love of your life, cheating, hurting the other and so on should be. I want to support him, not 100% on this, but I do not want him to have extra problems beacuse of me.
I think GalaGirl's response to this is dead-on accurate. If what he wants/needs from a relationship with you is fundamentally incompatible with what you want/need, it can and should be a reason to break up. If his want/need for some form of poly is fundamentally incompatible with your want/need for mono, then polyamory should be the reason to break up (since if you don't, it'll become something that hurts one or the other of you - which you've acknowledged is a reason to break up).

I mean for the 2 years of our relationship we have been together almost literally 24/7 and sure, we don't have many hobbies or jobs outside our home, so maybe this has added to the tension, but I think it is mostly because of the polyamory burden we both have been carrying.
I'm very sympathetic to your feeling threatened by the idea of your boyfriend being romantically involved other people and your hostility to that idea, since it's pretty similar to my feelings. I'm even sympathetic to your desire to lash out violently in response to being confronted with it, although I don't think acting on that desire is healthy or productive. But I've got to say, spending 24/7 together? That doesn't sound like something that's going to be good for either of you individually or for your relationship with each other. Yes, it's important (especially long-term) to have lots of experiences and form lots of memories together. But it's also important to have separate experiences so the answer to "what did you do today?" isn't always "the exact same thing as you". Plus, I'd think if nothing else a sort of "cabin fever" or "water torture" reaction would set in if you were never doing things either alone or with other people.
Reply With Quote