I apologize....this is likely to be long. If it should be moved to another board that's fine.
The idea of polyamory is something my wife and I are exploring. She has recently (six months ago) reconnected with an old HS boyfriend. It began as online flirting, and ended up with explicit media being send back and forth as well as descriptions of what they would really like to do to one another. His wife is totally against it, so it never came to fruition in RL, which was frustrating for her. I am very open minded, and supported her throughout this process, even though there were times I was threatened by it. She and I are both good communicators, and we have a very honest relationship.
Initally, I was under the impression her desire was based on a lack of experience. I am her second husband, and she has only slept with two men. Myself, and her first husband. Similarly, I have only slept with two women, my current wife, and my first wife. When this was about a sexual experience with someone she liked and trusted it was not difficult for me to understand or accept.
As that connection deteriorated, she reconnected with ANOTHER guy from HS, who lives nearby, and is single. It turns out that he was madly in love with her in HS.....nearly 25 years ago....but still has lingering, unresolved strong feelings for her. They have been dating for about two months. The more I watch this, the more uneasy I become. She assures me that this is not causing any type of deterioration in her feelings for me, and I believe her. But it is beginning to cause ME to feel differently. In hopes of clarity I began searching online for understanding, which led me to the term "polyamorus". We aren't sure if she is poly or not, or even if "poly" has a narrow, clear cut definition.....it seems to me that it is more of a concept or idea than a state of being....I am beginning to suspect that she is wired to be with more than one person, and I am not. I want nothing more than for her to want only me in this personal, intimate way. (to be clear, I'm not referring to sex....I'm referring to a deep, intimate, emotional connection on many levels....)
If I ask her to stop pursuing him as a partner, the feelings will remain, as will her nature. That doesn't help us.
If I don't ask her to stop, I'm afraid my feelings will continue to deteriorate and it will harm our relationship. More than it has already.....
I really want to be able to accept this in her. I want to be able to wrap my heart around it and embrace compersion, but I'm struggling. I'm considering seeing a counselor....but I find they are frequently biased and I'm not looking for bias. I am completely willing to change.....but how do you change your very nature?
Thank you for reading, and for any advice you have to offer. I haven't read many of this forums, and if there is a link to one that is similar I apologize for being redundant.