Everything "fucks with my emotions", so if I did that, I wouldn't live. LOL!
Gee, I really don't know how I feel. The thing is, I feel a lot of different things and some of them really conflict. I don't know which of these feelings are me
and which are the beliefs with which I was raised.
For instance, a part of me is thinking, "Well, what kind of man could he be? I've seen this pattern before - a pleaser who is not honest with himself. This leads to trouble when he does what you ask of him and then he resents you afterwards. It's not worth it. I need to disentangle myself from this man's issues. I don't need a project."
I don't know how much of this is me on my moral high horse. And more importantly, how much I'm using this as a decoy for avoiding what I'm truly afraid of.
What I'm really afraid of is loving too hard. Allowing myself to feel the full spectrum of my emotions, which are pretty intense at the best of times and having the rug pulled out from under me when he tip toes his rejection into my heart saying those dreadful words, "I just don't feel the same way about you". Gay or not gay, it doesn't matter the reason. I feel a lot of shame and embarassment when I feel so strongly and it isn't reciprocated or it scares others.
And I'm afraid of committing. I'm afraid of the big tangled mess that relationships seem to be. I'm afraid of feeling trapped.
Feeling restricted is my version of hell. The limits imposed on me by the "rules" of my partner/relationship, for one. But especially the self-imposed limit I place on myself when I have really strong feelings for someone or something, which seem to be so radically different from the way others feel. I fear rejection for being too enthusiastic, too intense, too emotional.
So, when I have genuine feelings for someone, I hide and clam up.....
I would like to hear what their agreements were with each other. I know definitely that their agreement wasn't that they are a couple. They've been in that uncertainty phase calling it, "whatever it is that we are". My guy, (at least - I don't know about the other guy) has been calling himself single. So, I haven't heard him say these words, but I don't think they had any agreements about exclusivity.
The way it was explained to me is that the other guy was wanting to move towards that, but my guy doesn't want to.
So, holy crap how scary is that! I can completely empathize with how the other guy must be feeling and what an awful situation to be in! He's about the have the rug pulled out from under him and be heartbroken, it seems.
So, does this make me uncomfortable? Absolutely! Is it because he's violated a value? I don't really know, but the way it feels in my body, no. Is it because I'm terrified of the foolishness and heartache of loving someone who doesn't love me back? Frig, yeah!
I have a belief that is very deeply engrained in me that I am not allowed
to have a partner. That somehow, this is a cold hard fact of life I just need to accept and come to terms with, the way you accept and come to terms with someone's death or the inability to bare children.
I'm so terrified of being vulnerable about my feelings and then coming to that dead end when he says to me what he is about to tell his guy, "I like you, I care about you, you're great, but I just don't want to be in a relationship".
And then... there's another part of me that feels like I could pour all of my passion into something else, like music. If I know that my relationship with this guy will never move past a certain point and will never turn into moving in together, having kids, being a "couple", then I go into this space in myself that just keeps everything light and I don't engage as much. Things matter less to me and I just have fun.
Oh, I don't know....