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Old 03-03-2013, 06:23 AM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Pennsyl-tucky
Posts: 1,900

Originally Posted by lemondrops View Post
... It is almost as if polyamory has turned into a person who I need to compete with and who is sitting in the corner all the time laughing at me and wishing me to have a horrible future...
I think that my husband felt this way at one point. He always knew that I ID'd as poly but we had had discussions and came to agreements on the majority of fronts. But sometimes, I would be on some kind of a "poly" kick and he would notice that I was re-reading "The Ethical Slut" and something would kick in and he would feel that somehow he wasn't providing something that I needed from him. His insecurity buttons would be pushed...and it was hard for me to find the reassurances that he needed.

The only thing that I could ever come up with was...I didn't EXPECT him to meet each and every one of my "needs/wants/desires" - I thought that that was an unrealistic expectation. SO, I would never leave him for not living up to that. Finally, when push came to shove, he actually realized that for himself - but, it wasn't something that I could realize FOR him.

For the poly person - THEY are NOT looking for a "replacement", so I think that it is hard for them (me) to see that it may look like that from the other side. The (potential) new person is not "better" but different - a complement to the existing partner, not a competitor. Not an "OR" but an "AND".

BUT, if YOU want a partner who only wants YOU - then there are plenty of mono-minded people in this world. YOU deserve to be in a relationship that fulfills YOU and makes you happy - as does your current partner. It is no more fair to expect him to change to be the person you want him to be (i.e. a monogamous one), than it is for him to expect you to change to be the person he wants you to be (i.e. someone who is ok with him pursuing polyamorous relationships).

If what you want out of a relationship is fundamentally different...then, it is different. And if you truly "love" each other, then you will let each other free to seek the life path that will make you happy - rather than stay together for "love" and be miserable but together.

JaneQ(Me): poly bi female, in an "open-but-not-looking" V-plus with -
MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (25+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (7+ yrs) and MrS's BFF
SLeW: platonic hetero girlfriend and BFF
MrClean: hetero mono male, almost lover-friend to me, ex-FWBs to SLeW, friends with MrS
+ "others" = FBs, FWBs, lover-friends, platonic G/BFs, boytoys, etc.

My poly blogs here:
The Journey of JaneQSmythe
The Notebook of JaneQSmythe
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