Iím not worried about my death... at least not at the moment. Itíll happen. I donít want to die. But I wonít be able to avoid it. I have accepted it long ago. I have no problem with death. My worry is the life I have and work I doÖ Are those meaningful? Are those going anywhere?
Most people I know are serial monogamist. Few of them are happy in their perfect monogamy relationships. Good for them. I have three separate relationships apart from family and friends. My long-term girlfriend is married. I am involved with a married couple. I am exploring a new side of me with a man with whom I donít see any future. I also have casual sex time to time. But most of my times are spent in classrooms, labs, library and with my computers. Iím not that very active in my romantic life.
Most evenings/late nights when I come home I drop myself on the couch and watch TV programs I donít like. I donít have cableÖ I spend most of my money on books and hardware. These are the moments I want someone thereÖ to watch those awful TV programs with me.
I wonít change myself. I like who I am. Most people I know have no clue that Iím involved in multiple romantic relationships. Itís complicated... But when I start a relationship I donít lie. Iíll be always with my girlfriendÖ unless something changes. In all my other relationships everyone has to except that.
In all three relationships even though I am equal, I donít believe I can be really equal... My girlfriend and the other couple have their families and in-laws. I try to avoid most of their "normal" social gatherings since I have to play the role of "a friend" there. There are some very good reasons for us to live in a closet. Is this how I am going to live for rest of my life?
The gentleman who died last weekend was surrounded by loved ones. Makes me wonderÖ if the music stops, will I be the one without a chair? I was going with the flowÖ I have never thought about this part of lifeÖ Angel of death tossed me this question.
Again, you can't connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something ó your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever.
At this stageÖ Iím confused. Actually Iím not sure whether I am confused or not. Iíd very much like to know that my dots will connect ... My time is finite, isnít it?