"back in the day" I talked frequently (off this site) with Kattails and the girlfriend.
My husband felt similar to Kattails when the topic of poly was... Dumped on his head by me.
Its been 3 years 6 months since that.
In the last 6 months we have actually found a peaceful camaraderie IN our poly dyynamic together.
I will say-a mono-poly relationship can't work unless BOTH of you let go of trying to get your way. You need to each let go of the other person. Re-connect with your individuality and learn to identify what you (as individuals) NEED vs what you want.
I like to use the comparison to BDSM contracts, hard limits and soft limits. Hard limits are non-negotiable needs. Soft limits are negotiable wants.
Things can be one and later become the other. But you need to be able to separate them in your mind AND express to each other clearly what those hard limits are.
If the hard limits are incompatible, there's no option for remaining together.
My bf is mono. He's clear on his hard limits. But-he also is clear on mine. There's no room in our relationship for power and manipulation games. If he needs my attention, he says "I need attention." if he feels insecure, he says he feels insecure. But he doesnt guilt trip me for "making" him feel that way. They are feelings and they are his. I love him. I am devoted to him as much as I am devoted to my husband and my kids (feel free to read my blog if you want details). But, I am not responsible for his feelings and he is not responsible for mine. We are responsible to care for and support one another-which means reassuring that yes I love him when insecurity hits. But, it doesn't mean pretending I am anything but a polyamorous, bisexual woman. It definitely does not mean NOT being who I am or doing what I *need* to care for me.
You need to do some serious soul searching. Can you accept him as he is? Whoever he is? Accepting meaning that you dont use who he is against him, you don't demand he be someone he is not? Can you be happy with who he has expressed he is, doing what he's told you he intends to do?
"Love As Thou Wilt"