Originally Posted by ValerieAOK
I truly believe a lot of societal life based on lies of omission to make things comfortable for people to get through the day. My self included.
And Like I said, I want things to be casual. This to me means fun, perhaps toy like, you are correct in calling it that. But I still have my favorite toy from when I was a child, I've never tried to change it, and I appreciate it for what it is, care for it and in the case of a human "toy" if they chose not to participate then they are free to do so.
...I truly just want to date some girls, learn how to wine and dine them, romance them, have fun new experiences. As if I'm a single female.
Let me ask this in a different way.. what does it really mean to be single? How am I really any different? I feel like my husband is just like a best friend. Best friends don't get in the way of dating do they? My best friend in high school did not. Sure I'm committed to staying with him, but does that mean I have to devote all my time to him? Is that maybe how being single status is so different? I won't have time for the new person?
I was chatting with an acquaintance at a munch recently. She is also married and bisexual. She is having a difficult time meeting women willing to date her because she is married. I suggested that it was time to have a married ladies looking for other ladies munch. (Munch is the kink communities term for a social gathering.) I have heard so many women - married or otherwise partnered with a man, or men - who would like to have casual encounters up to a co-primary relationship with another woman. But they have the worst time finding such women.
Lesbian women are rarely going to be interested in what you offer, especially if they are single and want a serious relationship. There is a real stigma against casual sex in many of the lesbian communities I've been a part of (obviously other folk's experience may vary). There is also a SERIOUS stigma against dating a married woman. Cheating is looked down upon, and even if you protest that he knows and and is ok with it, many will not believe you. Dating a married woman also implies that the married woman is *really* gay and not bisexual. This runs into the expectation that sexuality cannot be fluid. I've found that even bringing up my own experience of sexual fluidity (was a lesbian - now date mostly men) makes many lesbians very uncomfortable. It's like my experiences invalidate or threaten their own which is simply untrue. So you are slamming up against all sorts of stigmas while you just want to get laid, romance some babes and get some experience.
So I can see how messaging all the lesbian women in your area got you squat. They don't want what you offer and/or don't believe you anyway.
So you need to craft your OKC profile to a particular demographic. Target other bisexual/pansexual married women. Holler from the electronic rooftops who you are and what you want! Many of them desperately want to meet other women just like you! And many of that group will want to experiment and/or are not up to a full fledged committed long term relationship. They also would like to have some casual, hot flings with another woman.
And, yes, it's hard enough to find such folks even in a large metro area like my city. It's going to be harder if you live in a rural area far from a city. Patience will do you well here. You are searching for the ultimate unicorn in some ways - the hot, bi babe who wants some experimental fun and won't get all emotionally entangled who lives in a remote area and who doesn't mind that you have a partner who happens to have a penis. It's gonna take awhile.
That said, the folks who find such rare gems often find them among people they already know. Friends in other words. Have any hot women friends? Yes, there is more risk than in meeting someone totally unknown. But the upside is significant. And if you don't have any such friends, time to make some!
And it is disingenous to pretend that you are single. You are not. Single means unpartnered. You are a married person who is definitely not single.
Honesty will take longer in terms of meeting people. You will get rejected out of hand because of who you are. And that sucks. Pretending you are single will get you even more harshly rejected by those you misled. And you would be lying. As you know, lies of omission are still lies. Yes, sometimes little white lies grease the social wheels. But this is a far cry from neglecting to mention that a dear friend's husband just cannot sing and should never be encouraged to sing karoake. What you propose to do will hurt people. Deliberately. That is cruel.
Yes, cruelty is not your intent. But that does not change that your lie of omission sets someone else up for a cruel revelation later on. That is unacceptable behavior. Plus, if you go this route, the community of lesbian and bi women is small. Women talk! You will get a reputation. No one will date you, fuck you, or want to be romanced by you.
There is nothing wrong with what you want. There is nothing wrong with wanting a woman 'toy'. I see that all the time on Fetlife. If all involved agree, then it is all good as far as I am concerned. BUT, they have to consent. If the basis of that consent is a lie, then the other party cannot truly consent. Full disclosure is required for full consent.