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Old 03-02-2013, 06:01 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 6,352

Consider this and list EVERYTHING, no matter how crazy at first.

What do you need from Ann to be able to let this go?
  • An apology?
  • Closure?
  • For her to move to Siberia?
What do you need from Joe to be able to let this go?
  • For him to break up with his ex AGAIN?
  • To hear less about her?
  • For him to spend more time with you?

What do you need from Greg to be able to let this go?
  • To be an ear when you vent?

What do you need from YOU to be able to let this go?
  • Accept that you do not control other people?
  • Do nothing. Let time go by to see if you can adjust or if they fold again "naturally"
  • Break up with Joe so you don't have to date him at the same time as Ann

I'm sure you could list more things I cannot think of right now.

Now review --- Which are realistic and reasonable and actually doable and meet your need to be free of crazy ugh feelings? Which of those things are you likely to get? At this time, where does your willingness lie?
  • Are you willing in your choice?
  • Are you happy and joyous in your choice?
  • Is your choice a healthy one for you and others?
  • All three criteria met? If not, how likely all will criteria be met in the near future? Or never met?

Here's one of your personal limitations:

I know I'm obsessing and it's not right, but I don't know how to stop it. And that's why I'm writing this. I need help to figure out how to cope with this, or it's going to take a serious toll on my mental health, as I've always been prone to depression.
That in assertive "limit" talk could be
  • I am prone to obsessing with my thoughts.
  • That can take a serious toll on my mental health.
  • I am prone to depression.

Could pick the option that serves most of your wants, needs, and limits at this time.

How is staying in relationship with Joe while he is back with Ann good for your health in preventing obsession in thoughts, preserving your mental health, and preventing depression? She was his ex and your ex for a reason -- maybe you don't want to be anywhere near her. It's on him who he hangs with.

You are responsible for your own well being.

Maybe the best answer is to remove the source of the upset -- being in concurrent relationship with Joe while he dates Ann. You cannot tell him what to do. But you can tell you what to do and leave the romance. Just be friends while he dates her. Let him have the freedom to explore whatever it is with Ann. Because for YOUR health?

So far you clocked 6 weeks of stink. Up to you how much more you want to invest here to wait for desired outcome. (What IS your desired outcome?) Up to you how to tend to your own health and well being.

Maybe you want to give him his freedom to pursue whatever with Ann and observe from the side. Maybe you want to endure?

  • If they break up, you can get back together.
  • If they are destined to be a permanent item, then you are already out of the way and not clocking more stinky time.

  • You stay. Clock more stinky time. Maybe they break up.
  • You stay. Clock more stinky time. Maybe you reach intolerant levels rather than uncomfortable. THEN you leave, but have clocked more stink in the meanwhile rather than checking out at 6 weeks clocked.
  • You stay. Clock more stinky time. Maybe they become a permanent item. Now what? Leave or stay? And you've clocked more stink in the meanwhile.

Some choices in life are not win/lose. They are "This stinks and that stinks. Which stinks the least then?" If each of those options had a price tag in mental health dollars, what would you assigned each thing in that store?

What's your mental health budget for what you can afford to spend here?


Last edited by GalaGirl; 03-02-2013 at 06:22 PM.
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