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Old 03-02-2013, 01:02 PM
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Mya Mya is offline
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Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 454

Originally Posted by whatif View Post
Fear of Abandonment
You need to be able to be on your own anyway. I understand that it's scary but this isn't really a poly-specific problem. Even a monogamous relationship shouldn't be your everything in the sense that you'd lose your whole life if you lost your relationship. Break-ups happen both in mono and poly. I just think that actually a poly situation is in a way more secure than a mono one, because even when my partner has other great partners, these gorgeous wonderful people, they can still be with me, too. If they find someone "better", they don't have to leave me for that other person.

Originally Posted by whatif View Post
Fear of Abandoning
It is actually a well-known phenomenon that when you start a new relationship, for a while that can become all you think about. It's called NRE (New Relationship Energy). It's the hormones that can make you somewhat distracted for a while. But as long as you stay conscious of this and keep paying attention to your older partner as well, it will pass. Remind yourself of all the reasons why you love your older partner too, go on dates with them and actively create/maintain that closeness with them as well as with the newer one.

Originally Posted by whatif View Post
Fear of Shallow Commitment
You want pressure? I find it better that I can actually make decisions based on what I want and not what I'm expected to want. If I want to understand someone, that desire won't go away because there's also someone else I want to understand. I'm not sure I get this one.

Originally Posted by whatif View Post
Fear of Misstepping
So you like to play by the rules. There are as many different set of rules in mono as there are in poly. The difference is that in mono many of the rules are assumed and you don't necessarily even talk about them (I'm not saying this is a good thing, but seems to happen quite often). In poly there can be no assumptions. The only way is to talk about every single thing that worries you. What do you need/want, what do your partners need/want, and how can all these needs/wants be fulfilled. Negotiate. There are a lot of things to talk about if you're new to poly, but you'll get there. Some people have a lot of rules, some even write them down. Some people don't have many (or even any) rules, but they still have to have the conversation. Communication is the key.

Originally Posted by whatif View Post
Fear of Apathy
Let's say you have one friend you've known for 10 years and a new friend you've known for 3 months. If the old friend starts having problems, do you just start hanging out with the new friend and abandon the old one, not trying to help them? If you say no to that question, I don't see why you would do anything differently when it's a partner, a person you love. If it's a connection worth saving, you will do the work to save it whether you have other loves in your life or not.

Originally Posted by whatif View Post
Fear of STDs
I don't see a problem using protection 100% of the time. I know it's not for everybody, but I just like feeling like I'm the one in control of my own sexual health. If you don't want to use protection with one or several of your partners, you will have to trust them to tell you about all the people they're sleeping with and what protection they used. And in some cases that can be quite a network of people.

Originally Posted by whatif View Post
Fear of Judgement of Family and Friends
Fear of Being Seen as a Threat to Everyone
Fear of Societal Judgement
These are all part of the same problem. I understand you very well, and these are valid concerns, sometimes people do get in trouble for being openly poly. But more often than not people take it better than you'd think. I know that has happened to me and many people I know. And even if they have a problem with it, it's your life and none of their business anyway. I think you just have to decide how important it is for you to do what you want in life. You can decide to limit yourself based on other people's reactions or you can live like you want and then hide and lie about it. Or you can live your life like you actually want and not care what other people think. It's up to you.
Me: bi female in my 30's
Partners: Hank, Dahlia and Fay
Metamours: Eddie (Dahlia's long-term partner), Hy (Dahlia's new partner), Gabriel (Fay's long-term partner), Isaac (Fay's new partner)
Living with Hank, Dahlia, Eddie and rory (my ex/friend)


Last edited by Mya; 03-02-2013 at 01:07 PM.
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