I am new here, as you can probably guess. The reason I am here is because I have been together with my dear boyfriend for 2 years and for the latest part of it he has insisted on polyamory. For the past week, however, this has turned ugly. Sad, heart-breaking and ugly.
When we got together he did not know about polyamory, but discovered it later. I was shocked and lost it everytime we talked about it. Otherwise, our relationship was very good, we are close, talk about everything, want to be together for the rest of our lives, talk about having kids and getting married and I have never doubted in those plans. However, polyamory still was and has been the topic that makes me yell, scream, cry, break stuff. And makes him be annoyed with me. I must say that I do not like the idea of having multiple partners, it actually scares me tremendously. BUT it is not so much that I yell because of polyamory, I yell because it seems that my boyfriend think only about polyamory and his polyamorous future. He has made me feel worthless, disposable, being replaced, not enough and I feel I am bound to get hurt, so how in the hell could I support it?
This past week has been the worst in our relationship. It all started with him finding some article on polyamory and wanting to post it on his Facebook profile. I immediately felt threatened. The problem is that he talks openly about what he wants, but for some reason he tends to emphasise things that are not that pleasant to me, while I would sometimes just like to hear good things about this all idea. I know the bad things, so when I am sad and losing it, I would like him to support me and I want to feel that I am important. It is almost as if polyamory has turned into a person who I need to compete with and who is sitting in the corner all the time laughing at me and wishing me to have a horrible future.
However, I had two breaking points yesterday. We seemed to have made up and were close again and friendly. I really felt hopeful towards the future after a long time. Firstly, when my boyfriend wanted me to listen to his reasoning that polyamory is good for US, not him, that there are so many monogamous relationships that go to waste and he wants to be with me forever, so we should try something else, but only up to the point that it makes everyone happy, no forcing. This made me laugh at him. I was all "sure, we were happy before this polyamory and we would be so close without it, so no way could we benefit from it in the future". However, yesterday, for the first time I understood him. I did not necessarily agree 100%, but understood him and felt glad that he cares about our happy future.
Secondly, for the first time I really felt that I don't care if he talks about polyamory or monogamy or whatever, I just want to be with him and want him to want to be with me. Polyamory should not be the reason to break up with the love of your life, cheating, hurting the other and so on should be. I want to support him, not 100% on this, but I do not want him to have extra problems beacuse of me. I am just so sick of this fighting and not being close to him.
However, even after those progress-points we ended up fighting again and he claims that he needs to be away from me for a while and has decided to start spending a lot of time at the library. I am not sure about this. I mean for the 2 years of our relationship we have been together almost literally 24/7 and sure, we don't have many hobbies or jobs outside our home, so maybe this has added to the tension, but I think it is mostly because of the polyamory burden we both have been carrying. I mean if I have to be scared all the time that maybe he really does not love me and wants to replace me then I do not feel safe and close up and don't want to be as close as I could be. And we both feel distance because of it. But we almost solved it now, so why does he have to be away from me? Ok, I must admit that I would like some "my time" as well, but it still scares me. I just want us to be us, loving each other and happy, I am sick of this polyamory bullshit, all I have been doing is reading about it and I feel it never ends, I want acknowledgement for my progress, not him leaving me alone at home.
I have been reading KatTails' blog and it really touched me and I felt EXACTLY the same. The situation is different, but the emotions are not. I did not know whether to make this post here, or should I start my own blog here? Or are there some rules as to who can do it? I really need help. My relationship is not what it used to be but I want it back, I want my close, loving boyfriend back, but what should I do? What about this him being away from me more than we usually have been? Oh my.