Relationships, hurt & obession, need advice
Hello all. First time poster here. I should probably begin with some background. I've been with my husband for over 13 years. We have always had an amazing relationship, and are just as much in love now as when we first started dating. I think we've both always had a natural inclination towards poly, though we were monogamous for several years just by default. Ended up trying swinging, didn't care for it, talked about poly a lot and eventually decided to be open to it.
A couple years later, we meet this girl, I'll call her Ann. Greg was instantly into her, I wasn't that interested until one night we were kinda drunk and she pounced on me in bed. A bunch a flirty stuff happened, but no sex or anything. And for the next 6 months or so, we all hung out together a lot, became good friends, and there was a lot of flirting a making out between me and her, though it never went much further than that. I'm really introverted and don't open up easily, so when I opened up to her, it felt special. And I became rather infatuated with her. I had really thought that even if we didn't end up dating, we would stay friends.
After a while, though, she began to distance herself from us. And it was really hard for me because I had gotten really attached. I tried several times to talk with her about it, because I needed to understand why. But I never was able to get that out of her, and I got the impression that to her, it wasn't that big of a deal. She still always came to the same shows and events as us, but I always felt blown off when I tried to talk to her. Eventually I stopped trying because I felt totally rejected, and I always have a hard time with rejection. The whole thing kinda broke my heart and I was pretty depressed because of it for many months. I couldn't stop thinking about it, and wondering what went wrong. It was really hard on me.
Fast forward several years, to about 2 years ago. There's this guy I've known is passing for a while, I'll call him Joe. Anyhow, we end up getting together, and I have my first real poly relationship. I also should mention that Joe had dated Ann before that, but had broken up. Anyway, things go really well with me and Joe, and I'm very much in love with him. Things are still great with Greg and me as well. Everybody's happy. Joe dates a couple other girls, and I'm ok with it, as long as I feel like I'm getting enough time with him.
Then, maybe 6 weeks ago, Joe starts dating Ann again. And that's where things suddenly get difficult for me. I did tell him about my history with her, but I can't tell him not to date her. I've been struggling ever since, though. The amount of hurt and anger toward her, which I was never able to resolve, makes this situation really difficult for me. I'd like to be able to let it go, but it constantly pops into my head. I know I'm obsessing and it's not right, but I don't know how to stop it. And that's why I'm writing this. I need help to figure out how to cope with this, or it's going to take a serious toll on my mental health, as I've always been prone to depression.
I do realize, by the way, that my life is awesome and I try to focus on that as much as possible. Thankfully, Greg is always there to support me and act as my personal therapist, and I talk with him about it frequently, and it helps. But there's not a day that goes by where I don't think about it. Some days are definitely better than others, and I try to keep myself busy and distracted. But it keeps coming back. If anyone could help me figure this out, and give me ideas on how to cope, I'd be very grateful.