I recently had a friend tell me that keeping a journal could be beneficial for me. So, I tried; however, in the process, I've discovered that while I may be able to hold an entire conversation with myself, there's no resolution within doing so. Therefore, I would like to tell my story and receive opinions and/or advice, if you will.
My husband and I have been married for a little over 15 years. We're happy and strong together. He has held me when I couldn't hold myself. He has loved me when I couldn't love anyone little lone myself. He has been my rock and continues to do so. J is one of those people that only come around once in a great blue moon. He's kind, genuine, quirky (in that adorable kind of way), loyal; he is everything most good women search for in a male partner.
After dappling in other areas of life, we discovered that we are not alone in our desire to share our world with others. With his support I have endeavored to meet new people, create new friendships, maybe even find that third person, be it male or female to share in our happiness.
I have a girlfriend whom I am not nor ever have been actively involved with on any sexual level. We are very good friends. Her husband and her decided upon a separation. She has since been with another man, whom she moved into her home, became a surrogate mom to his son and has essentially had the girlfriend/boyfriend relationship with for a little over a year. Now her husband knows about all of this and continued to offer his support both emotionally and financially. The husband and I have become involved with her blessings as well as my husbands, J. B, the girlfriend's husband and I were embarking on a friendship which was rapidly turning into more.
I made it no secret that we were looking and hoping for a poly relationship with him. That didn't scare him off (which is wonderful). However due to circumstances, my girlfriend recently tragically lost her boyfriend. B came home early from an extended stay out West to be by her side as well as to deal with the fall out from the situation, which is very dire indeed.
B had really just started opening up to me. Both mentally and sexually. He was talking more and more while creatively explaining some of the situations he would like to see come to pass which made my heart soar with excitement. Now, please don't misunderstand me, I completely understand where my girlfriend is at the moment as I'm no stranger to it. I also completely understand that B needs to be there for her and I encourage it. But I also know that she will need healing time. She will be moving back in with B, (expected).
Here's where my heart needs some sound thoughts that aren't coming from J, due to his place in my life, or the thoughts of those people whom are dear to me. I need these outside thoughts so I can calm some of the stresses that I have or at least make some sense of it.
When B spoke of reconciliation with C (my girlfriend); she said that she couldn't see herself going back to him. She loves him dearly, no doubt, but that he wasn't what she wanted anymore. She maintained the new relationship with the boyfriend, X we'll call him. B was paying for her home, least the majority of the bills, while she lived with X and was going to school part time. No, she was not working, partying it up most of the time and going to school some of the time. This has taken place right at a year now. Now she will be moving back in with B, to heal. My fear, and I just recognized it as such, is that they will reconcile and make another effort at their marriage. I encouraged this in the very beginning. Without X there to help take care of her, I'm scared that she would not be reconciling out of love for her husband but rather the security he can provide. Which of course (even as shitty of a person this may make me out to be) takes him away from J and I. B has already began to close the lines of communication between he and I.
I'm mad because the accident was avoidable to begin with. I'm angry because now, just as I thought J and I had found someone whom we all got along together with, is in a round about way being taken away from us. I'm angry because now C has to live with the consequences of both X and her decisions. That's a hard plate of food to swallow. I know, I've been there. I also have received distinct vibes that J and I are no longer welcomed by C's side from her.
My rant could all be for nothing, this much is true. However, I'm pretty good at reading a situation and expanding on the outcomes. In my heart I know I'm an asshole for even worrying about any of this, especially at this time. But each morning, I wake up and wonder how B is doing with all of this as he has quite communicating with me unless it's about C. Each night, I text him Good Night, Sweet Dreams, which had become a ritual for us and each night, I do not receive an answer.
I can't discuss my fears and concerns with B as he and I had made an agreement in the very beginning that what he and I did together was between the two of us. What C and X did was between them. What C and I discussed was between us. Now, because I know things that B may not know, I have fears. But J also told me, B is the one who knows her personality and downfalls better than any of us as he's been the one with her the longest. Do I break the agreement between B and I to discuss the tid bits of knowledge that I have? Do I betray the trust given to me by C and disclose the negatives to B? I have no place in the middle of this convoluted situation yet here I find not only myself as a friend but also as a lover. I'm lost.
I know that there are no solid answers to be had. But Guidance from other members of this community may shed some light on this conundrum that J and I find ourselves in. More me than him, I must admit. He's more of the take it as it comes whereas I'm more let's find the instant fix, for which this situation doesn't have one. I could go on and on...but if someone has read this far, I'm sure you're tired by now. Thanks for reading...I'll post again as I think I have found it to be a little therapeutic.