I struggle with identifying myself as polyamorous because at this point in my life, I really don't want to have any additional relationships with anyone but him.
Polyamory, at least to me, is a mind-word. I don't know who to explain the concept exactly. My brain doesn't work with "words", it works with concepts, memories, experiences and all that stuff. So when I say "I am thinking about Bella" I'm actually thinking about all of the things that I know about you. All of your posts, your choice in avatars, your signature, how you've related to folks on the forums, et cetera.
Maybe this is a topic for a new thread, but I've learned that not everybody thinks in this interconnected, web of thoughts.
When I "became" poly, it wasn't a grand revelation. It was almost the opposite, a letting go of the confines of everything else I held about relationships.
When I say "I am polyamorous" it means that I don't feel restricted by traditional relationship boundaries and defintions. I would call you polyamorous in my mind because you're open to the possibility of multiple relationships and loving multiple people. Not everyone here would agree with that assessment.
And the cool things, it doesn't matter. You don't need to be poly, or mono, or something else to just "be". You're who you are, and who you relate to, without any defintitions at all.
But once those moments pass, I find that I don't want to get involved with anyone else.
Does anyone else struggle with this same thing?
No, but I think I have something similar. I've never thought of myself as "mono". I've always assumed I might meet someoen I loved. What my limit was though, was hurting my wife whom I already was in love with.
Now that I can form relationships without hurting her, I've found some vestiges of my monogamy in me. Like... If I have a "crush" on someone who is in a relationship, I've found that I sometimes hope that they break up. It's a first instinct, like a "this will clear the way for me". I know in many levels that this is wrong. "Break ups" are hard, and it would be hard on someone I love and I don't want that. Also, there's no reason why our relationship can't continue to grow while someone else's is functional, but I still have those moments.
It's why I am thankful for being a logical, as well as emotive, person. The fact that I think something or react instinctively doesn't mean that I need to wish pain upon people. It doesn't mean I need to see good things falter before I can build other good things.
Go forward with love and respect. I don't think you can go wrong there, whatever fleeting feelings you might have now and then.