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Old 03-01-2013, 04:37 AM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Pennsyl-tucky
Posts: 1,444

When I read the OP my initial response was - "Wow, SO not worth the drama/hurt feelings that are going to ensue." I was thinking along the lines that if I ever actually met up with someone from OKC and they had misrepresented a significant fact that would have been a deal-breaker for me, I would be beyond pissed off. If I found out right away upon messaging with them - I wouldn't be as pissed off but I would definitely rule them out as someone who was flagrantly untrustworthy. (but that is me)

As an example and, speaking for myself, the thing that would bother me that I could see happening is that I would meet up with a "married/poly" woman that had advertised that SHE was looking for a woman to see for HERSELF only and then finding out that she is actually looking for a woman for HER+HER HUSBAND (I don't have an objection to leaving that possibility open but am feeling boy-saturated girl-deficient and don't want to have that expectation hanging over our interactions.)

So, I could see someone who had a "looking for a female for me+him" profile that wasn't getting any action, make the decision that it was the "couple dating" thing that was the issue and change their profile to make it look like it was just wife/girlfriend who was looking for a new partner...thinking that, of course, when the "new third" actually MET said husband (who is a, of course, handsome/awesome/wonderful guy and any woman would, of course, want to be with him TOO) then the scales would miraculously fall from their eyes and the three of them would live happily ever after in "poly-fi Unicorn-having" bliss. (At some point, I will remove my tongue from cheek...this is not that point .)

(The other fear would be cheaters that are advertising as poly - NOT going to facilitate THAT.)


Then I read MeeraReed's post and thought about it a little more.

Originally Posted by MeeraReed View Post
Actually, I think your issue is just an OK Cupid issue, not a big moral issue.
Possibly a mix - depending on how it is presented. Your OKC profile can only ever show a little tiny slice of who you are as a person - it's meant to be the "hook" to draw people into a conversation, and most people will recognize that it is, by no means, the whole picture. But outright misrepresentation?

Originally Posted by MeeraReed View Post
When you list your status as "Married" on OKC, you don't come up in people's searches unless they have expressly selected "Married" as one of the options for what/who they are looking for. You have the choice of being "Married," "Available," "Single," etc.

Choosing "Available," rather than "Single," might widen your options without causing outright lies.

Or, you could choose "Single" as your status to increase your "searchability" on the site, while also writing in your profile that you are married to a man but are looking to date women.
I may be wrong, but I actually don't think that you can choose "available" as an option. I think "available" shows up only when you choose "married/seeing someone" AND choose "dating" under the "What I'm looking for" option.

I think that choosing "Single" so that more people have the change to see your profile and then explaining immediately in your profile WHY you have it set that way would be the most honest way to game the software. (It would also let you know if someone had actually READ your profile depending on whether they were shocked when you brought it up in messaging.)

Originally Posted by MeeraReed View Post
In general, I think it's okay to omit information on an Internet profile (for privacy reasons at the very least), but there are many opportunities to be truthful early on, when messaging someone, on a first date, on a second, etc.
OK, I can see that and agree. But the bigger, more controversial, more of a deal-breaker the info could be the more of a problem it will be when the info is revealed. For me, the married/poly info is right up at the top of the list (messaging, not physically meeting type material, at the very least). If someone is looking for their "one-and-only-exclusive-mate-for-life" then it is a No-Go from the start...why cause someone (even a stranger on the internet) pain and disappointment?

Originally Posted by MeeraReed View Post
As a less-morally-charged example, when I was using OKC last year, I listed myself as living in a big city an hour away from where I actually live. I did that so I could meet men in said city, because there were much fewer options in my home area. But I always came clean about my actual area of residence when chatting with someone, so they would know about the logistical difficulties.
Ha-Ha. Point taken. You caught me out. For privacy reasons I have myself living in a different small town than the small town that I actual live in (actually "outside of"). It is a similar distance from our "big city" and in a similar direction - and is actually closer to where I work. Because I live in the middle of nowhere, I assumed that I would be the one driving/ dealing with the logistical difficulties - so I probably wouldn't disclose this until I had actually determined that they weren't crazy stalker-type people.

So we may all have our own limit when it comes to the degree of "truthiness" we are willing to disclose...

Me: poly bi female, in an "open-but-not-looking" Vee-plus with -
MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (23+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (4+ yrs) and MrS's best friend
Lotus: poly bi married female, "it's complicated" relationships with Dude/JaneQ/MrS (1+ years)
+ "others" = FBs, FWBs, lover-friends, platonic G/BFs, boytoys, etc.

My poly blogs here:
The Journey of JaneQSmythe
The Notebook of JaneQSmythe

Last edited by JaneQSmythe; 03-01-2013 at 04:46 AM.
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