[BaggagePatrol]

I've had a crush that has lasted for over a decade. I met him online in my early twenties and we got along like wildfire. We would talk on the phone for hours; our record was in the six hour mark. We lived almost three hours apart, but our rapport was so strong that I ended up shifting my work schedule and installing a phone line in my bedroom so we could talk until the wee hours of the morning. He made me laugh. Howl. I have never laughed like that; we'd make up stories, tease each other, and just turn each other's brains on to no end.

For example: I have a "D" tattooed on my right hip from a tragic and beautiful romance in my teens (he has my initial on his opposite hip - so that they'd touch when we fucked - you know, soooo romantic to a teenager). The online fella that I had fallen for had a name that started with a D as well. He'd eluded to the fact that he was concerned that I might show up to his place with the intention of needing only him, and what I brought with me in my suitcase. He didn't seem to grasp the fact that I owned a home, a business and had an entire life; I was just in love with him. I think he's used to super needy girls, and I am anything but that. Anyhow.... I showed up at his house, and after the nerves relaxed a little bit, I told him that I had done something special to commemorate our first meeting. I acted all shy and awkward, and then showed him the D on my hip, "It's your initial... you mean a lot to me...." The blood drained from his face until I burst into hysterics and told him I'd actually had the tattoo for eight years. We still laugh about that shit.

We had chemistry, and enjoyed our weekend together but ultimately neither of us were in a place where we would be willing to leave either of our lives to be together, and so we stayed in touch and let the flame burn down to coals. We've communicated lightly over the years, and the mental chemistry has never changed. He can still send me into gales, and I enjoy hearing his philosophies on life. He is a self made man; an entrepreneur who creates software for marketing and shopping carts and has been both extremely successful and destitute as the economy has changed. He is brilliant and gifted, and sticks by his guns when he knows he's onto something good. I believe in him in a way that I reserve for very close friends; am always cheering for him and on his team, so to speak.

We've spoken about his tumultuous and troublesome relationships over the years. He has a tendency to pick women who end up taking him for granted and leaving him for other men. His most recent partnership lasted for six years, and resulted in a beautiful baby girl who is now three. He loves being a dad, but laments the fact that his family unit has fallen apart; he wanted to give his daughter a stable family unit, and it breaks his heart that he has lost that connection with his ex partner as well. He's making peace the best that he can, and is moving on, dating here and there and not really meeting anyone that lights his fire, so to speak.

I have always been drawn to him, and will be visiting his area in the upcoming months. He's invited me to stay at his very spacious and gorgeous home, and I've accepted with Elemental's full knowledge and support. Here's where it gets a little tricky. Elemental has given me a carte blanche. He says that I'm owed a few from what he put me through with Sync, and that I am free to explore my connection with D. however I see fit. I am so nervous about the prospect of going down that road; I have wanted to leave male connections behind for the time being, yet here is this silver platter with my favourite man-meal being offered to me. It's pretty fucking tempting, I'll tell you. He's dead sexy, and finds my whole open/poly bent fifty shades of amusing and I know he's game provided that it's ethical and Elemental is okay with it.

How to proceed. With caution and consciousness. I need to think about it more. It's a window, mind you. He's not going to last forever on the open market, and I don't know how long Elemental's offer is going to be on the table either. It may be one of those now or never situations, and it certainly would be nice to reconnect with him intimately on some level. We never actually had sex when I was down there before; we fooled around and it was mega-sexy, but I was at a point in my life where I wasn't having any kind of casual sex, so it never went there. It's an itch that would be pretty fun to scratch, but I also don't want to distract myself, or dilute the connection that Elemental and I are busy rebuilding. I worry that it would secretly really fuck Elemental up; he knows that I'm keen on D., and always have been, and the LAST thing that we need right now is to plant seeds of insecurity and upset in our very fertile soil.

We'll see. It's an interesting dilemma to be having, and I'm enjoying the titillation of the idea. I just know that ideals/realities are different things, and don't delude myself much these days.