I know what is right but he is fighting hard to not let go of me
Well... maybe it's on you to make the call then and end it instead of expecting him to let go. Could you worry about you letting him go and tend your side of the pasture?
Is that where you could be at? Steeling yourself for what needs doing? Because if when you examine you are here...
- You are willing.
- You are not joyful.
- This has not been healthy for any and you cannot make it so.
It does not meet all criteria. Not a runner, could be flogging a dying horse there. Could choose to remove your willing from the table then. With regrets, but firmly removed.
Could choose to shoot the horse in the name of mercy and long term UN-suffering for all, even the horse. Even if it takes some more short term suckage up ahead to slog through before you all arrive at the "free of all this and healthy again and no longer suffering" place.
Sigh. I am sorry. I am trying to see if there's another way but I really cannot.
Some choices in life are this stinks, and that stinks -- which stinks the least? Because the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the one or few.
You ALL could benefit from unsuffering.
That outweighs his want to be in polyship. And maybe your desire not to shoot horses. Yet someone around here has to shoot the horse to release all from suffering. Sometimes if you love someone, you have to be the one to shoot and take that burden on yourself.
Sigh. BTDT. Not fun, but sometimes necessary.
I do not envy your position but I hope you can move forward
toward your own healing.