Summary of my first post...
The above post is so long, thanks so much to anyone who gets through it. Here is a summary:
Me: Duke 33 M, married to E 34 F
M: 27 F, with whom we’ve both been on one indiv. date each. Kisisng only so far.
A: M 23, works with E, married to L, F early 20’s.
Only girls were allowed for E to date until very recently. I really believed in my head that I could be okay with it. Imagined it, talked with E about it, and was really, truly okay with it in my head. E went on a fun date with L and hit it off. She gave A a ride home the next night, made out in the car. Told me about it, felt great, compersion plus gratitude, all was great!
Next day, had a long conversation about their date. My feelings have taken DRASTIC downturn since, resulting in severe anxiety, no sleep, no appetite, and psychological impotence. E is very supportive and reassuring. I can identify NO rational fears or insecurities and can confidently shoot down those which are irrational. Feel sick, nervous and have nearly uncontrollable crying fits. Normally a happy-go-lucky, confident, A-personality leader. Three days of misery, and nothing seems to help.
E mentioned A and L do it ‘rough’ during casual encounters. This seems to be something my jealous mind wants to obsess over. Mix of protectiveness and guarding against disrespect. This is my 20-year pride and joy, not some skank.
Cannot get the image of their possible future date out of my head and it is currently enraging/devastating. Causes immediate burn in the belly. Then I actually imagine it, the preparation, the time during, and the phone call after, and I'm fine with each part in my mind. Why doesn't this give relief?
Sexual imagery of any kind, in person (with E) or porn reminds me of their future encounters and rekindles anxiety and ED.
E works with A. I believe allowing her the freedom with honesty leading to compersion is the nest route, since their access to each other will be unrestricted. Workmates were originally off-limits as partners when we discussed things originally, for this very reason.
I would like to meet A and L or at least A in person, informally, so I can at least say we know each other. Not a meeting to discuss boundaries, as I trust E with her own, but just a beer or coffee together. E says she is afraid this will scare them off, since they are a young hot couple, or intimidate A. This bothers me and makes me suspicious. I will be at E’s work in the future, and inevitably paths will cross with A. I imagine this meeting MUCH more awkward after they’ve, uh… HAD SEX. I don't want to feel hostile or him defensive unnecessarily. I'd like to like him, but seems like knowing him isn't too much to ask.
I’m completely okay with E dating L and N in my head and ‘on paper’ so to speak. My subconscious, gorilla brain is screaming, raging, and causing me debilitating anxiety, literally sleepless nights, ED, unhealthy weight loss, and stomach aches. This turns E off but she is wonderful with me. She shoots down my irrational fears, I shrug and say “I know” to each reassurance and then start back sobbing. The thing is I really, really want her to date them and enjoy it. But I’m afraid if a little making out wracks me like this, actual sex might destroy my psyche.
What’s next? Will I survive their dates without going into an anxiety attack? How do I get their sex out of my head so I can HAVE SOME MYSELF? I feel desperate and ready to call it all off, but I know what that means. Temptation/sneaking/suppression rather than indulgence/honesty/compersion.
I’m caught in a loop. Get anxious over E with A and L, get weepy and sick. Talk to E, get reassured, feel wonderful. See anything that reminds me of dates, dating, sex, E’s work, Facebook, nights out, rough sex, and I’m right back in a sloppy pile.
Can’t get it up, can’t even masturbate to feel better. Usually a 3/4-times-a-day man. Just cannot seem to stop obsessing. Read and subscribe to all the known jealousy resources here and on morthantwo. Wonderful stuff, definitely helps, TEMPORARILY.
Someone please tell me they’ve felt this exact thing, and how/what it took to get through. I’m miserable.
I KNOW she loves me, KNOW I'm not being replaced, KNOW that hot sex with them doesn't need to affect us, etc. etc. I'm cognitively, truly okay with and excited for her to have a great time with them, look forward to the opening doors, so why do I feel like this? It's nearly unbearable.
Last edited by duke; 02-28-2013 at 02:05 PM.