Therefore, to me, the only reason to bring them up is if you want/expect something to change as a result of your having them - because that is the ONLY time that I am going to bring them up.
I can see that. And I bring up my own needs as requests too when I'm on the ASKING end.
But for me? It's better for my OWN mental health on the RECEIVING end to let the other guy hold their own emotional baggage and not assume or take on THEIR baggage for myself unbidden or unwilling. If they want meet to meet a need? If they want me to serve out some expectation? Speak up! Make a bid. Ask for my willing.
So I actually ASK --
"Are you bringing this up because you want me to be willing to meet a need of yours? Cuz basically I'm gonna ignore you until you actually state you want something from me up front. And even then I may not be willing to meet your need cuz I got my own needs to meet FIRST. Tough nails!"
Of course I will package that up in nicer words actually spoken out loud to my person. Even in writing it on the forum I'm filter out my cussing
because who needs to be relaxing at home online reading venom? But basically that's MY internal climate: NO. I am not put on this freakin' Earth to be at EVERYONE'S freakin' beck and call to tote baggage about. Nope. Not gonna. Refuse.
I do not have to take on board their unspoken
expectation. What for? More work for me? Spread my self thin emotionally? Nope. I normally try to be aware of my filter before I open my mouth to talk but honestly? I won't deal in people who try to shoosh baggage on me. So I am just fine letting it LAY THERE on the floor. UN-fucking-picked up. Tada! THE HORROR!
Oh, lookie that. Some baggage. Thanks. I noticed it laying there. Yep. My eyes and ears are functional. I am aware. Thanks for pointing it out there on the rug. AND?
Gives them a chance to explain and I can determine if this baggage has FRESH inside it or not. I'm not going to leap to conclusions about what's in the bag. But neither am I just gonna pick it up and adopt it. What if there is skunk in there?
Show me your baggage first.
I've been called all sorts of names by people who want me to carry baggage unwilling and unbidden. That's called being FRESH and entitled if this is their intent. I give them the benefit of the doubt and call them to account for themselves -- "IS this the intent? DO you want something from me? WHAT would you like to request of me?" because some people don't want to be fresh but have a sincere hard time talking about feelings and need a bit of prompting to disclose. MAybe there is no skunk in the baggage. But they are shy about showing their panties.
I like to assume positive intent. Not so much for them, though they benefit. FOR ME and my spiritual health. I am responsible for my own healths (mental, emotional, physical, spiritual healths.) I rather cultivate a spirit of generosity than cultivate a spirit of suspicion for myself.
I once asked my mother if she realllly thought my loopy dad was the first man ever to call me a "bitch" because nope. I didn't feel like meeting needs for a FRESH behaving person. And nope. I did not feel like doing his articulation work for him either. He has to exercise his brain. And did she think I reallllly cared or have a prob wearing the bitch label?
Life is long. Unclaimed baggage can say at the train station. I ain't pickin' it up. Not for my loopy dad, and not for anyone else either.
Mom tells me that Dad says I'm "bossy and mean" behind my back to her. To ME? He does what I want -- behaves himself appropriately around me
if he wants something from me and ASKS me nicely (as best he can). If an Alzheimer dude can manage to do it when called to account for himself, so can mentally unimpaired people.
So my take is gonna be -- "Oh? You have a need? Please request it nicely. Then I will consider meeting your need. Otherwise, thanks for sharing." Lather, rinse, repeat. I do that to my kid too. Nope. Not moving a muscle til I hear it packaged up properly and not all FRESH. And I STILL might not agree to sign up for that job.
It serves me well. I lead a very peaceful inner life even amid eldercare wacko and kiddie capers. I'm certainly not up for poly shenanigans. No shenanigans of any flavor!