Originally Posted by adarkwolf
...She still loves me but we have never had good chemistry as a couple. So we talked and she suggested that we were family but no longer a couple. So this is what I am trying to deal with now. Since I am still new to this and having to adjust to new roles and definitions of the relationship. ... From some of what I have read, it seems the only truely fair way to have a poly relationship with other partners since there is no longer a "primary". I am free to date as is she but we still remain family for each other (more like brother and sister I guess) and for our young son.
I'll let others chime in on the "dating and explaining to others" angle but I'm having a hard time tying together some of the statements in the section I quoted.
"she suggested that we were a family but no longer a couple"
- I can actually see that, if you are both on board with it. "co-parenting/co-habitating" partners, but no longer "romantic/sexual" partners (hence the brother/sister type thing)? (legally married but emotionally separated?)
"From some of what I have read, it seems the only truely fair way to have a poly relationship with other partners since there is no longer a 'primary'. "
- hey, what! I don't get this part.
For us, I started out married to my husband, we are still a "couple" - that relationship grows and changes and does it's thing. Then I added, Dude, another partner. Now I am part of THAT "couple" as well - and THAT relationship grows and changes and does it's thing. Then we add the fact that my husband and boyfriend are best friends and love/care for each other (platonically) and we all live together, and now our "family" consists of three people. (On the surface it would appear that my relationship with my husband is primary and my relationship with my boyfriend is secondary - in practice that is an artifact of length of relationship - I characterize it as "working toward co-primary" when I have to characterize it at all.)
If one of us starts dating someone else (which I anticipate Dude will start doing sooner than either of the rest of us), that doesn't necessarily mean that we will become a "family" of four (although it could happen). Our biological families are determined by genetics, our "chosen families" are determined by relationships, agreements, and commitment.