Originally Posted by niceinjeans
.. You and I may see it as contradictory that she allows her bf to limit her sexual expressions to just women; however, this model may be exactly what she desires. I know other poly women that are solely committed to their male partner but still desire to be with a woman. So all of her needs may be met by a vee with a man and a woman.
For 19 years I was fine with my husband's preference for "no boys" (with regards to sex - he had no issues with my flirting/friending/chatting up/hanging out with all of my guy friends) - it was not an issue - my focus was mainly on girls anyway, so it never came up for re-negotiation because I never actually felt all that limited in the first place. Then Dude came along...
With regard to the OP:
I would be very, very upset if Dude, my boyfriend, came out with a request that I not have sex with MrS, my husband (a rare enough occurrence as it is!). I would seriously question whether we were anywhere on the same PAGE when it came to the relationship I thought we were having. The MOST I could see would be a very specific request for time for just the two of us: "I really need to feel connected with you right now - could I ask you for a whole day for just the two of us? This Saturday, perhaps?"
"I was happier when you said you and him weren't having a sexual relationship bc I felt if I was good and gave you everything you need you'd realize you don't need that from him anymore and it can be just between you and me."
- would have me scrambling to re-assess the entire situation!
When Dude and I got together, one thing that I was VERY clear about was that he was getting involved with a married woman and that my relationship with my husband was a given part of that. Early on he would occasionally make some joke about "having you all to myself" - and I let him know that even teasing about that was NOT something that I was comfortable with.
i.e. "When you say things like that it makes me seriously question whether we can be together...it makes we want to pull away and not invest in OUR relationship. So you need to think about the effect that this could have. If you really feel this way, then we need to stop now. If you DON'T really feel this way - then you need to stop teasing about it. I am going to be with MrS, too. And this relationship that we are building has to take that into account."
On the other side, when we were figuring out how this could possibly work. MrS and I had a long discussion. I don't let myself have "feelings" for someone easily and if we were going to really do this, I needed to know that I was entering into this second relationship freely and without restriction - that the rug wasn't going to be pulled out from under me when the going got tough. MrS had actually given this a LOT of thought before he approached me with his change of heart with regards to the "no boys" clause. He, I think even before Dude and I, realized that once we turned that page there was no going back. For us, at least, there was no option to ask someone to "turn off" a relationship once it was established - that each relationship at that point would be "real". There is no veto "after the fact."