after yet another cycle (breakup, back together, things go great, the same things are suddenly terrible and we're too close, i want out, breakup), Z asks me very gently if i know anything about Borderline Personality Disorder. (he said he'd never heard of it himself until he stumbled across it doing some of his own online research on poly.)
i read everything i can get my hands on about it for the next few days, and *BINGO*. it fits too well. most of it, except for the rage part. i'm very, very seldom to never filled with anger or rage - but i think that what happens is, what MIGHT have been anger gets subverted by feelings of helplessness and deep shame, and it comes out as gut-wrenching sorrow and despair.
and suicide: i've never tried to kill myself. there've been a handful times over the past few years (and a fewer times further back than that) that i've had suicidal thoughts. but i couldn't go through with it. and i never told him.
panic and anxiety; depression; huge mood swings in short times; frantic attempts to thwart (perceived) abandonment; compulsive behaviors; lack of identity; frequent changes in core values, friendships, careers, sexual identity; dissociation/depersonalization, and more...
"GET AWAY FROM ME - DON'T LEAVE ME!!"
so i guess i'm here to apologize for the messes i often was all over the page/screen....i don't think i ever really belonged here. i've been clinging hard to two men for three years now...not being the brutally honest, caring, responsible individuals that i see most others on this forum being.
have an appointment to get evaluated/tested for BPD. maybe i can start getting my shit straight instead of wallowing in place and dragging others with me.