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Old 02-26-2013, 07:02 PM
confusedandsuch confusedandsuch is offline
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 8

Firstly, thanks for the welcome =)

Next... I should say that 'turning poly' would likely be the simplest and maybe even the optimal solution to my situation - but I would be equally happy to figure out a way to slow down my 'vagina heartbeat' where my old friend is concerned. My priority is maintaining this relationship with the best man I've ever know, with a close second priority of maintaining my friendship with one of my oldest friends. How that gets accomplished is still VERY much in the air =/

To Kevin: Thanks for reminding me that at the end of the day the problem here is too much love, and that's never really a problem. I also appreciate the book recommendation quite a lot - I am significantly 'better' with written text than any other medium. I don't know if I'm ready to bring it to my BF yet, but at least I'll have a better handle on what I'm considering.

I'd also like to say again that I am not yet sure I 'really want' a poly relationship - only that I feel rather, uhm, connected? to the idea.

To NovemberRain: I really just don't know if I'm there yet. Ideally, we'd be in a situation where we were meeting each others needs satisfactorily BEFORE we started courting this concept rolling around in my head. I am not yet sure that a time of trouble is the time I'd want to bring these thoughts to the table.

Which, of course, makes your second message especially pertinent. I assure you I'll be thinking on it quite a lot.

And GalaGirl, who apparently not only crawled inside my head but appears to have a lot of experience thinking the way people like me think.

Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post

Here's what I'm hearing... correct me if I am wrong ok?
  • I have a BF and were are in a long term relationship. We plan a future together. Right now though, BF and I are getting very little time alone these days. I would like to correct that. (?)
  • I have a close friend, who I'm sharing a lot of emotional intimacy, tight, closeness with right now. He's an ex lover, but I also have dbl entendre banter type convo with other friends. (BF is aware of my relationship and conversation style with my friend. He does not object. He has his own friends who interact in similar ways.)
  • I am attracted romantically to my friend though, and am having trouble digesting that.
Spot on, actually. Except that I'm not sure I'm romantically attracted to my friend, at least in the typical sense. I am definitely sexually attracted to him. Sometimes especially so, which is what's giving my conscience fits. Kevin nailed it - I am good at feeling bad. It's something I consistently try to work on but usually have to address by logicing out individual situations.

Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
You also articulate this:
  • I don't want to give up my BF.
  • I do not want to give up my friendship with my guy friend.

So... who is making you do either? Nothing is happening that cannot be. Nobody is fussing. Or is the guilt from this?

I feel guilty because I know something is lacking in my romance with BF -- we do not spend quality time together right now. I am putting more energy into that relationship with my friend than dealing with the "lack of time" need in my romance with BF. I feel guilty about this.

I do not know your circumstances but if your BF is an astronaut and off in space, you CANNOT spend time with him right now. It cannot be helped. So hanging out with your friend is not a biggie. But if you CAN tend to that need and are ignoring/neglecting to be present with the friend... that's another thing.
Heh, the situation just plain sucks. My BF is not an astronaut, but my disabled father lost his wife last year and we have moved in to take care of him. It is physically and emotionally taxing. That is seriously the caliber of man I have in my life - I cannot overemphasize how large a burden he's chosen to help me bear. He's amazing. Unfortunately, the things we've found ourselves having to do are NOT really the sorts of things that makes a person want to hop in bed, even if we had any time to ourselves. We're trying to make time, but it is difficult. Being a socially awkward freak, I have 'safe' places and groups for every night of the week - if he's off and my dad is having a good night, we have somewhere to go with people we love. Unfortunately, it's not nearly often enough, and when we return my dad is there and often needs attention. We spend a lot of time together, very little of which is quality private time.

I visit my friend some evenings while my boyfriend is at work. We typically watch a movie, have some snacks and some beers, and I'm usually home before my BF gets off work. He does know I go, and has even said he's grateful to my friend for giving me something of a distraction. I don't think my time with my friend interferes in a limited resources kind of way.

Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
You do not articulate your need or circumstances. But I think your need could be this:
  • I need the reassure from my BF that my being this tight with the friend is ok and not neglecting his wants, needs, or limits any.
  • I need the reassure from my friend that our friendship isn't crossing lines with any of his wants, needs, or limits
  • I need to share with someone (the bf? the friend) that I am experiencing romantic attraction to the friend and I need help digesting it. (it's been shared. You posted about it. You are fine, alive and well, to notice people and feel attraction.)
I am still not sure what I need, what I want, or much of anything, it seems. Those are essentially good starting points, though. I do know my primary concern right now is that I feel like my having, essentially, a platonic affair with my old friend is about the crappiest reward for being an amazing boyfriend I can think of.

Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
FWIW, I crush all the time. DH knows it and is amused. Just because I feel an attraction doesn't mean I am in a place where I want to pursue.

That goes into another area. If your WANT is that you want to talk to BF about pursuing with his goodwill on board -- that's another thing. Do you want that?

But just generally admiring your friends and feeling an attraction -- you are human. You will feel things. But you choose how to want to behave. You can feel all kinds of things and still choose to do ... nothing.

Could sit with yourself and determine where your own wants, needs, and limits lie at this time so you gain some clarity.

I've long since realized that part of the way I build sexual energy is through interactions with friends I find attractive in some way. I have said many times that I believe unresolved sexual tension is good for my sex life. I am now realizing that this might only apply when there's actually time to have sex with my boyfriend on a regular basis!

It's a little embarassing to put it all out here like this, but... Normally, we flirt and enjoy our friends' company and go home and have good sex. I like nights he dances with hot chicks all night long, he likes nights I'm all dolled up and my boys buy me shots all night long =P I know it's a little atypical, but it's always worked for us.

Right now, though, the time is limited and feels forced when we find it. Our sex life isn't nonexistant, but it's worse than it's been through any of our 'slower' patches in the past. Enter old friend, with whom I get a few hours of privacy with at least once a week. My social anxiety is ugly sometimes, and being alone - no costume to don for anyone - is bliss. I'm attracted to him, of course, which isn't really the problem in and of itself. It's that circumstances have produced a situation where I have caught myself thinking about my friend sexually with more intensity than I often feel for my boyfriend these days.

I'm here, though, because I have come to the realization that if this relationship doesn't work out - I still believe it will if we make it so - I won't even try to be a typical mono in future relationships. Sometimes life sucks! We can't always fill every need for a partner, much less wants! I can't help but wonder if that concept should be applied to our current relationship - and to what degree - or if for now, we need to concentrate on us as a pair.

gah, sorry so long. again.
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