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Old 02-26-2013, 05:43 AM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Yelm, Washington
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Good article NovemberRain, I bookmarked it.

I'm always reluctant to say "unicorn hunter/s" because it's a pejorative, but let's say, in very simple terms, that there are "good unicorn hunters," "well-meaning unicorn hunters," and "bad unicorn hunters."

Bad unicorn hunters are people who woo a third person (a "unicorn") for them with rosy promises, then objectify that person, make that person secondary to the "primary couple," and insist on all kinds of things such as exclusivity from the unicorn person and all kinds of "little rules" (possibly chores too) which the primary couple chooses, the secondary person gets no say in, and the secondary person must do/obey. Bad unicorn hunters boldly set things up to be good for them (the primary couple), and bad for the unicorn (the secondary third), who must be a bi woman perfectly equally in love with both primary partners, and who must be celebate whenever the primary partners say so (while the primary partners continue to be intimate with each other).

Well-meaning unicorn hunters honestly try to treat their "unicorn person" as an equal, but they find that equality is impossible, especially if the whole poly arrangement is kept in the closet, and the "unicorn" ends up feeling like a dirty little secret. They may find they are having jealousy issues because the "unicorn" is "more in love" with one than the other, or because the unicorn "came already attached" to another spouse/relationship/s (or wants to pusue other relationships).

Good unicorn hunters are, first and foremost, flexible. They realize their "unicorn" might have completely unpredictable wants, needs, or attachments. They are willing to evolve with a relationship that may turn into something rather different than the originally-envisioned triad. Perhaps they will end up with a V, or a quad. Perhaps the unicorn's kids will be moving in. Good unicorn hunters will prepare themselves to take such unpredictable twists into stride, and love the unicorn for who they are, not for whoever they might have envisioned originally.

Of course there are "bad unicorns" too, such as people who turn out to be cowgirls, narcissistic, or psycho. When you look for "your unicorn," try to find someone who will be good to you, and you be good to them too -- the unique, individual, quirky souls that they are.

I have a very good impression of you as a person and feel bad that you have had to wear the "unicorn hunter" label. Maybe the answer is to "take the word back" by showing that you can make it a good thing? Do lots of reading, studying, asking questions, and doing the best you can.

Remember that just being polyamorous at all is considered a *bad* thing by the mainstream of society out there -- and unfortunately there are "bad polyamorists" to help buoy up that discrimination. You don't want to give up poly just because some people think it's sick or evil. Don't give up the "unicorn hunt" either. Just do your best to do it right.

I am right here on your side, and am pulling for you.

Kevin T.
Love means never having to say, "Put down that meat cleaver!"
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