Having Davis in my life helps me maintain perspective. I don't have strong feelings about his body, I don't look at him and immediately want to screw him. I care for him as a person, and we have great physical chemistry when we start touching each other, so sometimes I end up wanting him very much. But often I could take or leave intimacy, and sometimes I don't want it all with him. He's gracious at those times, he doesn't push. If he did push, I would push back, hard. I don't owe him anything. His desire is not my obligation.
It's the same, of course, with me and Gia. She feels what she feels and it's not right or wrong, any sort of pressure or guilt is out of the question. I'm just left with one big decision to make. If we find ourselves alone together... should I to try to initiate or not? I've mused here before about maybe not initiating at all with her anymore, letting her take the lead. But, with Davis, he often has to get things started before I begin to get excited about it. It's been the same before with her and me, only I've been in Davis's role. If I give up on initiating, maybe I'm voluntarily giving up on a sexual life between the two of us altogether when it might not have to be that way.
But to initiate is to risk rejection. And I already feel so thoroughly rejected by her on a sexual level... could I handle it? Do I dare expose such a raw nerve? It was easy, once. Once, I felt sure that she wanted me, that if she rejected me in the moment it was because it wasn't the right moment, not because I was wrong. Now, that certainty is gone and there's a wound in its place, one that I feel the need to guard.
Right now, I'm not even sure if I would welcome a threesome with her and Eric if it were offered. That's a hard one to explain, but... there are such strong feelings in me about wanting to be with her, with her, with her, that to be with her and him, to see them together, something I normally love, I can just picture it hurting. I can picture, for the first time ever, me engaging in a threesome with them and not being caught up in the enjoyment of it, but rather cataloging touches, comparing, trying to see how she touches him compared to how she touches me. Ew. So the wrong mindset.
Me, 30ish bi female, been doing solo poly for roughly 5 years. Gia, Clay, and Pike, my partners. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler.