The next day, Gia and Eric had some friends over to watch movies. I came by early, and hung out with them beforehand. It was relaxed, we watched the baby and made food. At one point, though, I went to the bathroom and, when I came out, noticed Eric leaning over Gia, who was seated on the couch. Unthinking, I came up, curious, and saw that his hand was up her short skirt and she was breathing heavily.
Fuck, it cut me to the quick to see it, so unexpected.
I stepped into the kitchen and started making myself a cup of tea so that I'd be out of the room, and so I'd have something to do with my hands and my eyes. Eric followed me very shortly after and puttered around, so I know it's not like they were at it for long. It was just a momentary thing, just a passing grope, something they're comfortable enough to do around me. When time alone together is scarce, which it certainly is for them with the toddler, you steal moments like that when you can. She and I have certainly done some very sexual things without Eric involved, when he was in the house and could have caught us at it.
I got past it. I went back into the living room and acted normal until I felt normal. When I first walked back in, as I moved to sit on the armchair I noticed Gia make an aborted little motion, like maybe she had been going to make room for me next to her on the couch. All I knew was that I didn't want to be touching her, it would be too much. I had to leave for a rehearsal not too long after, and on the car ride home I screamed at the steering wheel. Just once. It was cathartic.
I felt stupid for being upset, and completely justified at the same time. I felt indignant -- why would they do that in front of me? -- and then incredibly hypocritical -- I'd done so much more the night before in front of her with Myriel. I felt calm, crazed, accepting, and pushed to my limit, all at the same time. Underlying it all, I just felt hurt, plain and simple. The helpless, impotent, useless hurt of wanting someone more than they want you. So familiar, since I felt it so often back in high school. So associated with melodrama and overwrought teenage angst and stupid choices, ugh. UGH.
The feeling has gone away and come back over the course of the week since then. I keep finding myself thinking -- does she really even love me? I took that Five Love Languages test once, and my primary language is physical touch. It's been two months since we've been at all sexual together beyond kissing, three since we were intimate alone together, more since she last went down on me. We'll be seeing each other a lot in the coming weeks, but it'll be close to the end of next month before we have our next date.
I'm not sure if I can do this. She texted me yesterday to tell me that she missed me. I told her that I missed her too. And I do. I really, really, really do.
Me, 30ish bi female, been doing solo poly for roughly 5 years. Gia, Clay, and Pike, my partners. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler.
Last edited by AnnabelMore; 02-26-2013 at 05:03 AM.