Hmm, I reread the thread, and the emotional distance you're feeling from her wasn't quite addressed by my last post. That IS an issue. It may not be a fixable one... again, passion is passion, and that's just as true for emotional passion as anything else... but TIME together IS something you guys can work on, so perhaps there's an avenue forward there.
But, to make my point above again in a slightly different way, you may really have to ask yourself -- what if this is just how things are? What if the triangle of this love affair has a thick line drawn between me and my husband, and a thick line drawn between her and my husband, but a thinner line drawn between me and her... a line (the lines being metaphors for connection, obviously) that includes its own share of passion and affinity and friendship but not the same level of depth and intensity? Would that be enough?
Well... why wouldn't it be? WHY are you miserable, exactly? My guess is because of the mismatch between expectations and reality. You thought this was your love affair, and that your husband got to come along for the ride. But now maybe there's a different story being written, one that's more about him and her. Ouch. I so feel you, I do. BUT, if you had known that was the story from the beginning -- if you had thought that what was on offer was that you would get to come along for the ride of your husband's new love affair, and that in the bargain you'd get a bunch of hot threesomes and a solid friendship, would you be upset? Or, if that had always been the frame of reference, would it have seemed like a wonderful deal? If not, why not?
Ultimately, it comes down to this: if it were just you and her, and she was giving you the exact same amount of love and passion you're getting from her now, would it be enough? In other words, are your needs being met? If not, then there's a problem to be resolved. But if so, well, you can't demand more than you need on the basis that he's getting it so you should too. Love and passion and NRE just don't work that way. You can't say "come, love this man" and then say "no, you're loving him too much!!!" It's an unpredictable thing, human connection.
Sorry if I'm rambling, these themes have just been on my mind a LOT lately.
Me, 30ish bi female, been doing solo poly for roughly 5 years. Gia, Clay, and Pike, my partners. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler.