Thanks for answering, I'm sorry it was forever before I could reply.
Here is some more info for those of you who asked.
1. K & H are in NRE but having a hard time since H is in another state.
2. The army kept me away pretty much non stop for two years, I have also been home for two years. Most of those problems seem to either be worked out or pushed far enough down that they don't show up a lot.
3. I could go either way with H. She's been my friend for years. Right now I am still just her friend, but I would be open if that ever changed. I have yet to get a single angry or otherwise seemingly bad feeling about her in this whole situation. I am relatively sure I am not envious of her time simply because she has more of it than me.
4. We had talked about the subject of polyamory, both being gay it came up in the circles we hang out with. I have never had any issues with the idea. K grew up in a very conservative household and still clings to a few guilty feelings even if she makes a decision regardless of those feelings.
a few problems that I have and the steps I have taken to work on them:
1. I do know that I am feeling entitled to be paid attention to during the time that I am not working. This is a struggle for me since I work very hard and my first reaction to being pushed away is that she could at least make a small effort while I am free. This taints all my conversations, but only when she gets defensive. If she remains happy or neutral I can also stay that way.
- this one feels mostly on me, like I should re-frame this to myself, like I am the one who is working and taking up that time I should work harder to make time that fits her schedule. It is hard since our workload has never been equal, which mentally I can see that it has to be that way and I should not be holding the needs of life against her. My emotions do not mold themselves to my decisions unfortunately.
2. I am not a person who uses soft or sideways communication. I attempt to only say what I mean. Usually, K is rather adept at dealing with my blunt communicative style, however living with her parents recently has required her to regain skill in interpreting speech to understand them and make them happy. She will be taking my words out of context before either of us knows it and then #1 comes into play as the emotions run their course.
- we both try to make clarifying statements, but we haven't had to since we first got together so its a hard habit to pick back up.
3. It is hard to come to terms with what my needs really are, much less communicate them expertly. I am feeling a very lonely emotion, something to do with sadness or something. There is also a lack of physical closeness which we have been struggling with since I got out of the army. This really bothers me more than her. I have more need in this area than her. I am not sure this is necessarily sexual either. I do not feel overwhelmed with a super sexual desire, more like I have to hold back more tears the less we kiss and hug, which I feel is a very odd situation. I could be wrong and most people have these feelings, I simply do not see them discussed in these terms often enough to consider this "normal".
- at the moment I am pushing back at these emotions with happy thoughts but I have not been entirely successful with this approach. I have been able to take the urgency out mostly, which helps some.
I try to have talks a lot but often if we are on the phone she feels pressured and attacked with my emotions, if we are in person, I am just so happy to be near her that I can't think about the bad in a coherent way it seems. Overall our relationship doesn't seem imperiled, since we have been through rougher times than these, with the army and all, however, it does feel like our communication is slipping at a time when we might need it most (new polyship, change in living, change in patterns ect.)
I have listened to your comments and I am trying to put into action all the communication steps that we used to have but had fallen into disuse since we have been together so long, but it is a long process.