Thanks guys, helpful stuff, especially about how maybe pushing him to be with another woman isn't the way to go. He's in a really great place emotionally right now, a new job that has him excited, and our marriage feels like a growing, breathing entity, which it hand't before the woman came along.
Now, to answer a couple of your questions:
I was honest about my relationship with the woman, told him as soon as I realized what was happening, and before it got physical. Husband only agreed reluctantly to allow it because he realized how badly it affected me when he told me no. After some time, he seemed to become actually ok with the situation, but I'd be lying if I said he loved it, especially once things turned ugly with her, making me miserable. We both definately need more time to heal from that break up before I try dating anyone again.
As for DADT: He once said to me "I wish you had just had an affair with her and never told me." In the beginning, he insisted on absolute DADT, as in he didn't want to know when I was with her, I was not to speak her name, and he didn't want to know anything that happened between us. I was unable to stick to that, it was completely unrealistic, it excluded him from my inner life which I hated, and it didn't let me treat her like a human being in my life, which she was. So after a while, once he relaxed and realized I didn't stop loving him and was still devoted to our marriage, DADT went away on its own. He knew when I was with her and what was going on in my head in regards to her.
He has no problem with me flirting with other men, I've always been a huge flirt and he knows that and isn't possesive in that way. I love to flirt, and I'm good at it
You guys have given me a lot to think about. I will wait a few more weeks before even considering moving forward in any way. At this time, I do not NEED to be with any other men, the way I felt I NEEDED to be with that woman. I don't know if in the future it will come to that, so I'm just trying to be proactive.