I read through your older threads to remind myself of your situation.
It seems to me that the key thing to think about is compatibility and what you *need* and *want* from a relationship. What you can compromise on and what you absolutely can't.
Feeling like a secret - what would you like, if it were down to you? If you had your ideal situation, or if you were starting a new poly relationship and setting some of the guidelines and boundaries?
Loneliness and attention - are you getting what you need on that front? Can they physically give any more, or are you getting all you are going to get in your situation?
Kids - if you were starting a new relationship, would you be happy being more open in front of your children? Is this a massive incompatibility and conflict with the opinions of your partners?
Here's how it is for me -
Feeling Like A Secret:
I'm very open and don't care if my family members, friends, co-workers or strangers on the street know that I'm poly.
My GF has reached a stage where she is out to immediate family, friends and strangers on the street.
Her hubby is not open about poly to anyone.
Our happy compromise is this:
We are open in the street / to strangers.
We are open to GF's immediate family, even though they don't approve.
I'd like to be open to GF's extended family, due to feeling like a 'secret' at family events, like weddings, etc, which I'd love to share.
However, I can happily compromise on this, because we are open to others.
Hubby would prefer if nobody knew at all. However, he compromises on this because he is able to be closeted to his family and co-workers.
Loneliness and Attention
I like my GF to sleep in my bed 2-3 times per week.
She likes this, though sometimes really just likes her own bed.
Hubby has got used to this and seems ok with it now.
Originally, hubby hated GF being out of his bed.
Originally, I was upset that she didn't split her time equally.
We've compromised because twice a week is what she wants to offer, it fulfills my needs and it doesn't rattle Hubby too much.
Here, we are completely compatible, because we all believe that it is natural and healthy to allow children to see different relationship models for themselves. We understand that not everybody believes in this. I could definitely not be in a poly relationship where this was hidden from the children, because I do not believe poly is wrong - therefore, I do not believe it should be hidden.
Their daughter / my step-daughter is only 4 years old and I've been around since she was 2. So, we are lucky in that respect. We are openly affectionate in front of her. We don't tell her "Sparklepop is Mommy's girlfriend". We just let her see that we love each other, without forcing her to accept my role in the family. She quite often calls me Mommy, and we neither encourage or discourage this.
We have all agree that if she grows up and becomes unhappy, uncomfortable or upset, in any way, with our situation, we will do what is best for her and I would most likely move out.
What do you want?
You are effectively a 'secret' in front of everyone. Strangers, family, friends, co-workers and kids. Is that right? Is that ok with you? Really, genuinely, is it something you can continue doing?
You have felt lonely in your triad, you have felt that you do not get enough 'bed together' time, that you are an outsider, an extra, not as important as they are to each other? Have you reached a point where you no longer feel like this? Being equal in the heart doesn't necessarily mean having equal time spent together, or equal time sleeping in the same bed. It can be about many different things. But, most importantly, it's the *feeling* of being equal, being fulfilled, being satisfied.
And kids? Are your partners' views in line with yours? Are they the complete opposite? Can your relationship model be compatible in the long-term?
Have you ever considered slipping out into a more secondary role with the two of them, whilst perhaps focusing your primary love towards someone (or multiple people) who feels the same way that you do about poly?
me: female, 29
GF: my primary girlfriend, 39
3 year, open poly V, long distance