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Old 02-24-2013, 02:58 AM
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fuchka fuchka is offline
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Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Terra Nullius
Posts: 414

Thanks rory & Mya. Yeah, things are pretty sweet right now, it's like an uberbirthday.

My cousin's party last night was rad. Ocean, Grotto and Plinth there, heaps of friends old and new, my uncle (who I'm not out to) and my aunt (who I am) were there. I decided not to stress about being careful with what my uncle would see. I figure, I'm confident about what I'm doing, I don't think I'm being bad... Ocean is obviously fine with everything, and the two of us are solid.

If my parents found out about our non-monogamy, things would be bad. However, I've been thinking of maybe not directly coming out to people who I know would judge me, but just behaving however I want to, openly. If they have an issue, they can ask, and I will give honest replies.

Local poly group social event today. Ocean, the in-laws, Grotto and I are doing a five-some, a family day out. This poly social date has made me think again about Menrva & Bert's DADT which has meant I've never had a direct conversation with Bert about the fact that his wife is dating my husband. I mean, he knows I know that he knows etc etc. It's not really about naming the elephant in the room. It's more... I dunno... openness? Communication? Wanting to talk, even a little bit, about how things are going? Release the pressure?

This might be a selfish thing for me. Wanting to poke things I'm not meant to touch.

I have had visions of me having a few drinks and popping the issue with Bert. In fact, I've had a couple of opportunities in the past, e.g. both of us at the bar waiting for our beers, and I really have to stop myself. I'm not sure if I need to... Not sure what the deal is... Anyway, instead of making a call by myself, Ocean suggested that I float this topic with Menrva first. Initially this idea (pre-screening things with Menrva) did not appeal to me. I don't like the concept of getting someone else's permission to have a conversation... between adults... But I realised this was a matter of respecting their relationship and their personal boundaries.

So - I did it. Sent Menrva this in a recent e-mail:

Looking forward to seeing you both tonight at the local poly social.

One thing I wanted to flag was something that's been on my mind for a while. It is definitely not a big deal, but it is a small thought that keeps rolling around. I am a very upfront person and I like to talk about things, and make sure things are okay with words. This is often unnecessary, but still feels good! In this situation, I can obviously tell from everyone's behaviour that things are comfortable for you, Bert and Ocean. However, it has been a bit unusual for me to never discuss anything directly with Bert about things. Basically I'd like to ask him how things are, and be open to sharing thoughts/perspectives.

I understand he may not want to talk about things to do with multiple relationships. Therefore I was surprised that he was open to coming to the local poly group social. I feel like I'd really like to have a conversation with Bert about non-monogamy and things around that. Not necessarily today and maybe never, of course. I thought I should mention this thought of mine to you, in case you had anything to reply.

I don't usually ask permission of people before talking to other people... I tend to relate to people individually. But in this case, I'm not sure how to be respectful while still having genuine communication.

No need to reply to this in a hurry, or indeed at all (I'd hate you to feel pressure about what to respond)! As I said, this is not a major issue or bother for me at all, and certainly not anything urgent.
Although it wasn't preying on my mind, or at least not much, I'm glad to have written to her, and I feel a sense of relief about this aspect of our dynamics.
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