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Old 02-23-2013, 07:28 PM
MrFarFromRight MrFarFromRight is offline
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Ping-ponging around Europe, trying to get a publishing concern off the ground
Posts: 718

The whole time that I was typing that last post, I was aware that Vixtoria was not just talking about ads
Originally Posted by Vixtoria View Post
I guess what I'm baffled about is the times, and there are more than I would like, that I'm approached with a 'my husband and I would like you to join us' thing. If they are both interested in me, then fine, approach me. Separately. You are two people. I would have to see if I was interested in you as individuals. I may LOVE the way you interact as a couple, as a unit, but dating a unit just doesn't even seem possible to me. In that unit, there are two distinct people.
, but I decided to split the reply into 2 posts.

Reply a) As in my first post, sometimes it's difficult for people to articulate just what they really mean. If you're AT ALL interested in them, give them the benefit of the doubt... or at least a chance to explain themselves better.

Reply b) Sometimes couples are looking to pep up their sex lives and - as several have testified already - 3rd parties get used as sex toys.

Reply c) Different strokes for different folks. [One person's meat is another person's poison.] If you get bothered by this approach, and it IS exactly what they mean, bad luck! I DON'T mean that in a "well, tough shit!" sort of way. I really sympathise with your feelings here (although I never get approached like this). My advice: accept that it takes all kinds to make a world, and that you're not the one that they're looking for... but that they have RIGHT to look for it.

Reply d) But my overall reaction: You're right to feel leery. As in nycindie's quote from FormerUnicorn, a couple that adds a 3rd can feel all through the triad that the original couple is more important, and therefore that the 3rd is easily disposable if the going gets rough or circumstances change. And that can REALLY be devastating for the 3rd. But I clicked on that link and found an interesting introduction AND sequel to that failed triad. The bold-face has been added by me.
Originally Posted by FormerUnicorn View Post
I tell my story elsewhere, but I was in two triads where I had been "hunted" that is specifically singled out for courtship and inclusion by partners in an already existing marriage. In this case the stage is set in certain ways: The married couple had already discussed the inclusion of another partner, they mutually decided I would be a worthy person, and they worked hard to make sure I felt welcome and wanted. This is some pretty powerful stuff! An incredible amount of validation comes out of being approached like that.

I was very happy in both triads, and my status was very fluid from secondary to primary and back again as time went on and our needs changed. There were times I lived at the house and participated in the relationships as a primary partner in terms of responsibility, care, and money, and there were other times when I was merely a large part of their lives, secondary in nature but still hugely and intimately connected.

I was very committed to the first triad, but I was shut out completely when they found out they were pregnant. It was heartbreaking for me, because I lost my lovers, my best friends, my refuge, everything that defined me. I went my own way and picked up the pieces alone. I eventually reconnected with them after the baby was born, but I couldn't trust they wouldn't abandon me again and we grew further and further apart.

Years later, the second triad was... so beautiful that I can't even put words to it right now. I was very fragile and broken when these two took me in, and they helped me find my strength again. While they left the invitation open for a long-term primary position in our relationship, at the time I was unable to pull my own weight and I was unwilling to let them pull it for me until I could. In hindsight I realize that they would have been there for me through whatever I needed, but I just wasn't mature enough at the time to see it. I will always regret leaving because I have never felt more accepted, more loved, period.
So, being burned once by couple A damaged FormerUnicorn's chances for a "happy end" with couple B. A shame!

But it suggests that it CAN work... Doesn't it?
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