Originally Posted by Vinccenzo
At 37, your husband sought out an 18 year old.
At 47, he did it again.
How did relationships prior to you end for your husband? Do you wonder what will happen to James in 10 years and/or is this a pattern slowly becoming apparent to you?
and this is the first time in 10 years you've seen him behave this way? Is it possible he is having mental issues or something traumatic has triggered this?
This is the longest relationship he ever had,the 2nd longest was 9 months, so it's not a habit. Yes, I wonder if James will have the same end, but right now I'm more concerned about myself and couldn't care less about what will happen to dear James.
Originally Posted by Anneintherain
In your place I would certainly not try to make it work, but you might want to see if he's willing to go to couples counseling first before talking about James moving in
He is very stubborn and has refused going to couple's counseling or even alone. He really thinks this is OK that keeps saying "You have nothing to worry about".
Originally Posted by sparklepop
Of course he should be able to *express* what he wants. Expressing sounds like this: "This might be very difficult for you to hear. I have reached a stage in my life where I have realised there is something I desperately want/need. I want/need a 24/7 D/s dynamic and I would like to have someone who lives with me, or us, who can fulfill this role. Is this something you could consider?"
Actually it started like that. But every "No" I gave was being ignored or postponed for consideration. If it wasn't such a big deal,he would have been able to quit on the idea, but he hasn't.
Demanding is this:
"I want a slave/houseboy. I'm in love with this new boy and he has to come and move in with us. If you don't like this idea, you can leave." That came a bit after,in different words, pretty much like "But I want him too,and I want you as well,otherwise I might have to let you go because I really want him and I think you can take better care of yourself than he can." This while reassuring me that he loves me more... yet willing to let me go, according to him to "avoid hurting you even more than what I have". Well... what about stopping this crap?
This is NRE gone mental.
I believe that NRE is not actually the process of falling in love with someone *else*... it's the process of falling in love with *yourself*. We feel NRE because this new person makes *us* feel good. In your husband's case, James makes him feel hot, because he's a young guy and it convinces your husband that he's still attractive at 47. He has confirmed that's how he feels,that he was surprised someone that young/cute was interested in him and that triggered this need to make his fantasy come true.
He says he doesn't love you as much, doesn't find you as attractive, so he wants to move a younger guy in and thinks that is acceptable? Indeed,the times I managed to break all contact between them,in less than 24h my husband was depressed and saying "I don't know how to fix our relationship". After fighting and crying,I'd have to agree "Ok,I'll give this a try" and then he'd be fine again! Just like a kid when he doesn't get his toy.
If your husband really wants this but still wants you and values your marriage, we're talking about "I'd really like James to move in. I'd like you to consider this over the next 6 months and see if we can work towards it. I must warn you that if you cannot, my needs may not be met and this might cause me to reconsider our compatibility." It's supposed to be a trial,he says I should give it a try and we'll fix problems as we go along,but I no longer trust him,since he changes terms and conditions and boundaries as he sees fit. I fear(know) that even if it comes to me saying "No, this is impossible for me",I know I'm the one who will have to leave.
What worries me is that you might spend another 10 years with your husband, he might swan off around the world with James, or another younger boy. You'll come out of a 20 year relationship, you'll be 38. No doubt, you'll still be hot
But you'll have missed so many opportunities. I really hope I can't withstand that much pain for another 10 years.
Could your husband fulfill his fantasy of having a house boy? Could he even do his mid-life-crisis thing and go travelling around the world? In order to make him happy,I'm going to take the risk,probably at the expense of my own happiness and mental health.
The grass is always greener and to be honest, the chances are that James moved in, your husband would tire of having a houseboy soon enough. If he went travelling, he'd probably realise what a fool he was being soon enough, too. I suggested we do a smaller trip, as a test, because I will he will be fucking bored from being on the road for 1 month sleeping in a RV. He always complains about his back (office work) and being on the road for a month, little to no internet access,crappy food and a bad mattress... that is probably going to save my marriage lol...
Originally Posted by AnnabelMore
Wow, great response sparklepop.
Would your husband assent to you bringing a burlier, buffer, hairier, and more forcefully dominating older man into your home for your benefit, along with James, making this a foursome arrangement?
I did suggest it,but guess the answer?No. You can't really reason with a Dom person. Especially not while under NRE.
Originally Posted by GalaGirl
Has he emotionally abandoned you? Has he not been PRESENT in the relationship if all this stuff is news
to you? A year is a lot. Was he telling you all along and you not wanting to listen? Or he did not bother to make you aware of his changing wants, needs, and limits at all? He really did not give any signs,he told me he kept it to himself,and cried alone when I wasn't looking.I don't even know if it's true or if it's his excuse to pursue this adventure.I think he is trying to find justifications to pursue something that he knows is stupid.
When was your husband's last health check up?
I suggested therapy,even couple's counseling, but he refused it right away. Crazy people don't think they are crazy, right? Sometimes he even makes me wonder if I am the crazy one for not agreeing with his thoughts.
You may not enjoy starting a new chapter of your life without him, but you will not enjoy starting a new chapter of your life WITH him under these conditions! You can choose to love him from a safer place, that is OUT of the line of fire if he's hell bent on crazy self destructive or relationship destructive things.
Truth is that if I leave him,I can never get back together with him.I already have no self respect, he tried to breakup and I begged him not to. A partner should never have to beg for anything,I lost all self respect when I begged on my knees.