Letting Go of Attachment and Expectation
Though I had full-blown poly relationships when I was in my twenties, after 15 years of monogamy with my husband, this summer I fell hardcore for a woman. She admitted she had problems being emotionally vulnerable and wasnít ďgood at relationships.Ē In return, I confessed that I was no good at casual sex, I get deeply attached. We are also at different stages of life: sheís in her late 20ís, Iím early 40ís. Of course, we ignored these red flags and plunged right in.
At first, my husband was very upset, and my marriage nearly imploded, but luckily, we worked on strengthening our marriage, and the amazing man I married came around to accepting me having a female lover--heíd always known I was bi and struggled with monogamy. However, right about the time hubby stopped threatening to leave me, my lover began to pull away. She said it wasnít me, she was issues with work/her 2 male lovers/family. I tried to be patient, but I was very attached, and I missed her intensity. The more I pushed, the more she started telling me she ďcouldnít give me what I demandedĒ and that I needed to lower my expectations. I had been implicit from the beginning that I didnít want to be just a fuckbuddy, and she insisted I wasnít, but her idea of what a relationship entails is quite more casual than mine. I wanted more time and energy, and she wanted more space and less responsibility. During the last few weeks, she just kept blowing me off, so I broke up with her, as I was feeling hurt, anxious, and rejected by her. She and I were together 5 months total, but werenít intimate during the last two months of that, as we were having trouble working things out and didn't want to cheapen our connection.
I havenít seen her in five weeks, havenít communicated in more than three. Our last few text exchanges were not pretty, lots of blame flying around. Iíve been wondering if and how I could possibly salvage the situation. Sheís the first person who has made me feel this way since my husband, and I feel like we have a lot to teach each other. Iíve been reading about zen and relationships and letting go of attachment, trying to figure out if I can loosen up and just be cool and accept whatever she offers me, even, at this point, if its just platonic friendship.
What Iíd like from you folks, specifically, is twofold: First, Iím looking for tips on letting go, on how to not be attached to the outcome if I approach her again. Also, Iím wondering how to go about contacting her, what to say, how to open the door thatís currently closed between us. She isnít very good with emotions, which is where I live, and Iím not so good at acting like everythingís fine when thatís not how I feel. Perhaps I should just move on and try to find a woman more emotionally compatible, but thatís easier said than done. I really, really dug her. Any advice greatly appreciated.