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Old 02-23-2013, 01:27 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Metro West Massachusetts
Posts: 6,587

Originally Posted by sparklepop View Post
... he's been saying he's only focused on platonic love with me and this has been the angle he's been pushing lately that I'm struggling with. He wants to text every day, go out together alone, talk on the phone, be involved in moments between GF and I and wants me to verbally reassure him of my platonic love for him.
Whats the saying? "You can't hurry love." How can someone push you to love them? Seems like it would, and does, have the opposite effect. Besides, it seems like he wants more than platonic love. Seems to me, his thinking is, if I can't have sexual love with her, at least maybe I can have romantic love. But he's calling it platonic. Daily calls and texts and one on one dates... it's not what you want or need. He's seeming needy and co dependent.

... the living arrangement is complex and I will not be able to afford to live anywhere else when I'm in their country, for at least 2-3 years. (I am self-employed and my business isn't giving me enough of a wage).
Well, gosh. Living together out of financial need and with all 3 parties not fully in agreement-- awkward!


He said that he wants to make his wife happy and as a pretty submissive guy, I can see that he is being at least partly genuine here. From a less altruistic perspective, he feels that I have helped the state of his marriage ten-fold and he worries that if I left the situation, there would be nobody to 'persuade' GF to stay with him. (They were on the brink of divorce when I came along and now this has done a complete U-turn).
OK now, this is concerning. It seems you've been used as a bandaid for their failing marriage! Now the wife, your gf, has an escape from his neediness and other issues, but he's still there, still creating conflict and pressuring you!

How do you like the pressure of being the one holding their marriage together?

This is something that GF firmly pointed out to him early on, when his boundary-pushing became an issue. He tries to find women but his mood disorders and lack of confidence tend to mean that he struggles, which is a real shame. I definitely think it would help if he had his own girlfriend. GF and I both take him out and help him look online for people, encourage his dating etc. It's just a case of finding one that sticks around.
Sounds like a lot of work, matchmaking for your metamour!

... his focus seems to be on the best friend/family side. Perhaps I should be really honest with him about that too.
Him trying to force you into either romantic love or a best friend role is not how friendship grows. When will you tire of this damn PRESSURE?

His mood/personality disorder means that he has issues with control and fixation. He kind of takes a situation and holds it in a death-grip. One of the key problems in their marriage before I came along is that GF felt very claustrophobic with him, physically and emotionally. When he struggled with attraction towards me, he couldn't just let it go, he pushed it. Now he's trying to push the platonic love/family aspect instead. It's the death-grip thing. It's strangling everything.
I can see that! How much can you look forward to your next 6 mos with gf and her kid when he's around being all weird all the time? Does not sound like an attractive scenario.
Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

Mags (poly, F, 62), dating... again!
Pixi (poly, F, 40) my darling nesting partner since January 2009
Master, (mono, M, 36), Pixi's Dom/bf since April 2013
Kahlo (my ex, 46)
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