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Old 02-23-2013, 03:40 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 6,139

How do you talk to her? Verbatim?

Because if you and I were dating and you called me and said this to me exactly like this...
"Hi. Are you expecting to be asleep around the time I am going to be off work?"
If I was feeling grouchy from other reasons that day, I could feel annoyed like you are acting entitled to my time. It could come across as terse, bossy, or judgy like it could be implying I'm lazy and sleep all the time. And nothing in there tells me what your need is. You are just calling me from nowhere to do what? Bossy boots me about my need for sleep? I could feel annoyed.

HOW you say your content matters sometimes as much as WHAT the content of your message is. So does the TIMING of your message. I may not be grouchy at the time but I really do not like it when my kid yells at me when I'm trying to pee that she needs lunch money. It is NOT the best time to be asking me that!

I would feel more kindly disposed to hearing your message if you said it to me like this:
"Hi. How are you? Is this a good time for a 5 min talk? (wait for answer.) I really miss you and need to reconnect. I'd love to make a date for after work sometime later this week and wanted to ask you out. Could you be up for that? If so... I get off work today at ___ so that could be a good planning time on my end. Could your schedule fit a longer planning phone call today after work or could another time be better for you?"
Then I could feel respected, my own schedule and willingness considered, and more inclined to negotiate a planning time phone call because I know what's happening and what the need is -- am I willing to have a date with you? am I willing to make a longer planning phone time to work that out?

Then I can decide if I am willing to meet your need or not from a place of full information.

She's not a mind reader. But you do have needs to articulate. Could try again and think about the TIMING and the HOW delivery of your message.

Perhaps when you talk to make the date you could also express the need for a "known schedule" because of your tight work hours. Could she be willing to make a standing date with you? (Ex: Every Friday after work) or a standing pattern if your work hours shoosh around (Ex: We check in every Sunday to get the lay of the land this week after your schedule is posted). Maybe talk about it on the date?

Could that help meet your need to connect and spend time together? Not just in the short term (the date) but in the long term too? You could articulate your wants, needs, and limits to her so she is aware.

You could also inquire about HER needs. Is she feeling pressure? Time management problems being the hinge person? LDR stresses? How can you support/alleviate some of that burden in appropriate ways? How can you meet her wants, needs, and limits? How do you both want to deal in your shared emotional management -- because there's a lot of emotion in polyshipping.

Sun is sun. Rain is rain. Emotion is emotion. Some is yummy to feel. Some is yucky to feel. Internal emotional weather just IS. It needs expression in appropriate ways. Could just decide to report the weather so your poly people are aware, and then just choose to let it blow on through together. Not have to DO anything about it if it doesn't need more than just reporting.

"I feel tired from work today" could be an example of letting it blow on through. There's not change required. There's nothing really that needs doing by you if she says something like that other than listening to the report and seeing it. "Yeah, I can see where that kind of work day would make you feel tired." There. Processed. Done.

"I feel hurt when you hit me in the face with a frying pan. Could you please stop doing that so I can be free of hurt?" That is a report that requires a change, and comes with a specific request. (I exaggerate, of course. Hopefully nobody is actually whanging partners with pans!)

Too many times people feel over-responsible for other people's feelings. Could let her know you are prepared to hold your own emotional baggage. You just want to report. And if there's a report with a request, it will come with it. Maybe you could agree to that? If SHE has a need to report internal weather, great. If she has a need to report and request, great.

Nobody can be a mind reader here. But you all ARE going to be weathering this polyshipping together. So report weather. If action is required, take action. If not? Just weather it out and let it blow on through.

iShe says to me all the time now that we are in this: " i just dont know how i am hurting you, its like youre just mad at me all the time" which is categorically untrue.
Could respond with your weather report and ask for her report. Something like...
No, I am not mad. I am lonely, miss sharing time with you... etc. What behaviors of mine are reading like "mad" to you? Maybe I could explain those behaviors and/or adjust my behavior so I am not broadcasting weird to you. But no, I am not mad at you. I am _____.

How are YOU? Are you worried about my being mad?

Are you uncomfortable watching/hearing me struggle to adjust to the "new normal" in polyshipping? I'm willing to learn and do. But it comes with that price tag. We all will transition through changes here.

What is going on with you in your feelings that makes my behavior of ___ come across as "mad" to you? Are you willing to talk about it? I am willing to listen.

Last edited by GalaGirl; 02-23-2013 at 04:10 AM.
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