We talked, rather unexpectedly. It felt as though he needed to get something off his chest.
He asked me what issues I had about his friend. I was nervous- I guess since the question was out of the blue. I told him, the red flags I'd seen about her, the fears I had about a second relationship wrecking ours, the fact that the damage done in his NRE fog had damaged our relationship and my trust in him and his judgement. And he agreed, with all of it. Said he was having a difficult time facing just how badly he had messed up, how badly he had treated me, and the fact that things with his friend had gone completely south. Said he was sorry, for all of it.
And we discussed relationship models and actually both agreed what we would really ultimately enjoy was an open model where we were the primary couple and just had play partners from time to time (sexually and BDSM play). He said he realized that maybe he wasn't poly or at least that he was really bad at it, and that I was more important to him.
We also talked about the living arrangements and agreed that right now he's going to work on getting a job, getting on his feet financially, and I'm going to work on finding my own place and separating from my husband, and that as soon as we do, we'll discuss our options and go from there. He said it's still scary to him, some aspects of it, but that he really does love the idea of an 'us', of being together. So we seem to be on the same page with that as well.
I'm still a little stunned by all of this, but cautiously optimistic. We had a really good talk today about a few of our 'hot button' issues, and we were able to discuss it all calmly, in a caring and positive fashion. And in the end we even ended up agreeing on almost everything and feeling pretty good about our talk and what we'd accomplished.