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Old 02-22-2013, 09:51 PM
sparklepop sparklepop is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2012
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Thanks to everyone so far - your responses are so helpful. GF and I openly and firmly tried to knock the triad idea off the menu very early on. About 10 months ago, he finally said that he actually accepted it and apologised for pushing boundaries. Since then, he's been saying he's only focused on platonic love with me and this has been the angle he's been pushing lately that I'm struggling with. He wants to text every day, go out together alone, talk on the phone, be involved in moments between GF and I and wants me to verbally reassure him of my platonic love for him.

TN:
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Could you guys do a V without you actually living with them? Could this be a possible compromise?
Thank you for your genuinely empathetic response. I really appreciate it.

He says he accepts that I'll never feel sexual towards him. The issue with the living arrangement is complex and I will not be able to afford to live anywhere else when I'm in their country, for at least 2-3 years. (I am self-employed and my business isn't giving me enough of a wage).

Magdlyn:
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Never lie in poly !!!
I've tried to be clear and honest from the get-go re: triad possibilities. I was uncertain about whether to fluff the truth about my lack of 'platonic love' for him.... maybe you're right... maybe I should be completely honest about this too??

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He did make your ability to parnter with his wife easier, by agreeing to use their funds to help you travel, etc. But he did it b/c he wants to get into your pants!
He said that he wants to make his wife happy and as a pretty submissive guy, I can see that he is being at least partly genuine here. From a less altruistic perspective, he feels that I have helped the state of his marriage ten-fold and he worries that if I left the situation, there would be nobody to 'persuade' GF to stay with him. (They were on the brink of divorce when I came along and now this has done a complete U-turn).

I think he definitely wanted something sexual in the beginning and obviously would go for that now if I offered and I do agree that this was probably part of his motivation to fly me out in the first place; though it was never expressed to me and I would never have accepted if I had known that he wanted it.

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He has a right to boundaries too. Maybe you being 4-6 hrs on skype with his wife every night makes him envious?
I think you're absolutely right and I do try my very best to ensure that I don't stand in the way of his needs or time with GF. With the time difference, the majority of our Skype talks happen when he's at work, or asleep. When I'm over there, I look after my step-daughter to encourage them to go on dates together, etc. I definitely understand that our dynamic makes him envious, for various reasons, and I try to alleviate this as much as I possibly can.

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Is he interested in finding his own gf? Just because his wife got lucky enough to find you doesn't give him the right to glom onto her gf.
This is something that GF firmly pointed out to him early on, when his boundary-pushing became an issue. He tries to find women but his mood disorders and lack of confidence tend to mean that he struggles, which is a real shame. I definitely think it would help if he had his own girlfriend. GF and I both take him out and help him look online for people, encourage his dating etc. It's just a case of finding one that sticks around.


Annabel:
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Much much better to be straightforward now, and risk things falling apart before you move there permanently, versus letting misunderstandings fester to the point that it explodes when you're already moved in. It'll be kinder to everyone, by far, to be clear now. If he can't handle it, well, he won't handle it any worse now than he will down the line.
Thank you for this

I've been very, very, very clear that I have no attraction towards him and that flirtatious boundary pushing is not ok. On the flirtatious/physical side, he has improved greatly, but now his focus seems to be on the best friend/family side. Perhaps I should be really honest with him about that too.


Overall....

I think that upon being rebuffed on the triad angle, he's now forcing me into a platonic love box, because a) he said he genuinely sees me as family now and truly values me in their lives, b) perhaps this helps him handle his attraction towards me, c) this way, he still feels important, even if not sexually part of my life.

His mood/personality disorder means that he has issues with control and fixation. He kind of takes a situation and holds it in a death-grip. One of the key problems in their marriage before I came along is that GF felt very claustrophobic with him, physically and emotionally. When he struggled with attraction towards me, he couldn't just let it go, he pushed it. Now he's trying to push the platonic love/family aspect instead. It's the death-grip thing. It's strangling everything.

I have forgiven his sexual boundary pushing, but it seems to have caused a block in me in terms of feeling platonic love for him. I am happy to live with him now that he's gotten the sexual pushing under control; but I'm uncomfortable about having to verbalise an artificial best friend/platonic love emotion that I don't really feel.

I don't want to paint him as an asshole - he really isn't. His biological family are pretty horrid and I think this is why he is clinging to the idea of me being part of his marital family. I am just struggling with feeling selfish - taking the benefits of being in the family (living with girlfriend, him paying for things, being a live-in parent to my step-daughter), but not *feeling* the family love for him in return.

When I avoid his invitations to go out for a night with him, or when I disappear into my room when GF isn't about, I feel guilty. Telling him that I don't love him as family feels... disrespectful? And feels like kicking a puppy who has been generous to me... Does that make sense?
__________________

Me: (29f) open poly
In a long-distance relationship with GF (39f)
Casually seeing Descartes in my home country (27f)



“Peace comes from within. Do not seek it without." ~ Buddha

Last edited by sparklepop; 02-22-2013 at 10:02 PM.
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