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Old 02-22-2013, 07:26 PM
Tamcat Tamcat is offline
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I made friends with another couple, they're poly, she's bi, both kinky and we've discussed playing together. I got permission from my boyfriend to do a scene (BDSM) with them at a play party and it was amazing. The guy and I have really hit it off and have been texting daily and the 3 of us have been making plans to get together to hang out and get to know each other, even if just as friends, although they've both made it clear they'd love to get involved sexually, though they respect my restrictions with my boyfriend right now.
So, he gave permission to do a scene, but not a fully sexual scene? Did he give reasons for this? But he has played with other submissives since you've known him? Or am I getting this wrong? Are you collared to him? Is he your Master, or your Dom?
Q is my boyfriend and dom, and I did get permission from him to do the scene at the party, but with the restrictions he wanted that nothing sexual occurred because he wasn't comfortable with that right now and I understood and was fine with that. He had another girlfriend/sub when he and I started dating, but she broke up with him early on and it's just been he and I in the relationship for a long time, so we haven't really had to deal with any of this sharing stuff since he and I got serious about each other and our relationship. So we are definitely having some growing pains on both sides and problems with jealousy, possessiveness, insecurity, instability. He had told me he wanted me to get out, meet people, 'play' (BDSM) and get some more experience in 'the scene' and I had hoped that maybe doing so would help me deal with his need to start up a second relationship with his friend but it didn't seem to help with that, although it did start to make me realize I had been settling for being neglected and treated badly and that I deserved better from him. And I am collared to him, as his sub, but we haven't really been able to do much with that aspect of our relationship, it doesn't seem to really be a constant or everpresent part of our relationship, especially with the trust issues that have come up over the last few months with him making what I saw as bad decisions and despite me trying to give him the benefit of the doubt and attribute a lot of the awfulness of the last few months to NRE, there's still a lot that I need to see different from him to feel safe with him at this point and to feel like I can trust him again and feel good about letting him take control again.

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How have you felt about these texts and this possible sexual play with your new friends? Do you like that idea? If so, are you really mono? (love aside... are you polysexual at all?)

Don't let him tell you what you are - only you know this. If you really are mono, but want to be mono/poly with him, I don't see the problem with that.

Essentially, what he might be saying is that he simply does not have the strength or patience to keep reassuring you, if you guys got into a mono/poly relationship. After three years, perhaps he is seeing a compatibility issue? Perhaps he's realising his own limitations in terms of what he can offer you - both in terms of his personality and a relationship structure?
I like the idea of sexual play with others, I think it's pretty hot, myself. I do like the idea. I think the thing I most have a problem with is the idea of multiple relationships, of loving more than one person. I feel like he and I are struggling with our own relationship, so adding another one, especially one that had as many red flags as it did with his friend, would be disastrous. Thats why I've even tried to tell him, as I did in that argument, that I don't feel like I can handle poly right now. I don't think I can handle this poly, with his friend, at a time when he and I are struggling so hard to figure out what we're doing together, where we want to go, what we want to do with our own relationship.

But my fear is that maybe I can't deal with the poly stuff at all, or at least not the way he does it. And if it is the way he does it, that I won't be able to get through to him about what he's done that makes it so hard for me and that he won't understand or be able to change how he approaches it. And if that's the case then there really isn't any compromise to be made and that will be very sad.

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And it may take me saying, "No. Hey- this is a deal breaker here. I need you to do this for us or I can't go on with this."
What is it that you want him to do.... what is the deal breaker? (I'm a bit confused). Did you mean his arguing style and the way he doesn't seem to want to learn, read the threads and change his opinion and meet you in the middle? Or did you mean being poly?
His arguing/communication style. He gets angry/defensive and turns what could be a good, helpful discussion into an argument/attack until I break down and start crying and try to disengage, or until I get angry and start fighting back, neither of which seem very healthy to me. And yeah, also the sense that he gets offended when I ask him to read some things that I know have helped me understand better some of the issues we're facing. I feel like I need him to be on the same page with me, to see what we've been doing wrong and learn more effective, healthy ways to try to do things and I'm afraid he feels like he knows better than me and doesn't want to try to learn or change or do things better and that's really a dead end for us there, too.

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One final point... something that stands out to me about your posts... You are doing a lot of 'waiting' in your relationship. You've been waiting for three years, essentially. Waiting for him to show more commitment, waiting for him to show more understanding, waiting for him to *tell* you how your relationship is going to be? You're not passive - you're actively trying to talk to him, to work with him, to educate both of you.... But you're coming up against a wall.

He's dug his heels in about being poly - he's gone ahead and done it, moved at his own pace, acted independently of your relationship. That's hurtful to you, because it isn't what you want. But, he might feel the same way. He might think that *you* are digging your heels in too, to have a mono or not-quite-poly relationship, with more control over each other than he wants. That might be upsetting for him too.

Something to think about...

You turned (and became attached) to Q when you were in an unhappy marriage. You've spent three years in love with him. He still isn't giving you what you want. He still isn't giving you a commitment. (From what I can see from your post? Tell me if I've misunderstood this).

It might be worth thinking about the following options:
- getting your wants and needs straight in your mind, re: what kind of relationship structure you need
- communicating this to him clearly
- getting a clear understanding of what he wants, at this point
- being honest with each other about your personalities, your needs and what you can both realistically offer
- considering the option of exploring poly for yourself; dating others, finding a primary partner who isn't Q
- stepping back from Q altogether for a while

The bottom line is that you have to make sure you choose the right partner for your emotional health and happiness. Perhaps Q is a very important and valuable part of your life - but perhaps not in the way you currently would like him to be. It comes down to what he wants to offer and what you can accept. If you enter into an 'open' situation, with a say over who you can and can't play with, you're essentially still both asserting control over each other. It just seems to me that he's been crying out for freedom and you've been crying out for commitment. I'll come back and read any updates you make and I really am sorry again that you are in this position.
In the past, one of the reasons he's given for us not moving towards a more serious commitment with each other has been because, as he'd put it, "We both just want different things out of a relationship." And I had done my best to settle that in my head as the sign that we just weren't going to be together as a couple and that I needed to move on and find someone else. I had done a lot of thinking towards that end, about letting him go, whether entirely, or staying friends if it wasn't too painful, or just seeing each other from time to time as secondaries or dating casually. I really hated the thought of any of those options, but was trying to force myself to consider them all.

Then he had what appears to be a pretty serious change of heart towards me, towards us, and seemed like he did want to be with me, did want us to be together, and wanted to work towards that. And as wonderful as it was to hear that...I'm wary of what all we'd need to do to get our relationship to the point where we could be happy, stable, healthy again, and I'm trying to see if I can trust him again to do what I need him to do to feel safe with him again, and also for him to let me know what he needs from me. But then that argument sort of spotlighted the fact that the poly thing is still a serious hot button issue and we need to try to figure out how to settle it so we can both quit worrying about it and stressing over it. And it's something so significant it really does affect whether we'll be able to move forward as a couple or not but the first thing is, we have to be able to talk about it without fighting or argueing.
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