Thanks for the links, Anne. I will read up on those when I get a chance. You are all really helping me feel better about this...much appreciated.
And there is always the chance M might take a chance on you....but you MAY need to have another successful interaction with somebody else first for M to see that it IS OK, than J was OK with it, that everybody was treated well, and believe that you're not just looking for a sex toy, or to leave J, or whatever other concerns she might have.
the points I want to convey in a conversation with M, but I haven't had the chance. I have already made it clear that I'm not leaving J, and that we're closer than ever. M was actually probing me about this last time - "Are things good? Are you still having sex? Is your ring still on?" Yes, hell yes, and yes.
But because we haven't talked this over in great detail yet, she's unaware that I've already had one sexual experience...and that J was fine with that...and also that J has actually been hoping that this would work out with M, since she's known her for years and likes her (not sure how to convey that last point without sounding creepy..."we all want you in our club"...haha).
Something in the front of my mind...M may be iffy about J being okay with it, though...because there was a point in time (when J wasn't open to anything like this at all, but now in a much different place, obviously, with a second love) that my wife had expressed discomfort in me hanging out with M when it was just the two of us. But that would have been the case with anyone
else...not singling out M. So, yes...important information for her to know that everything is fine, regarding that.
And - what I think a very important detail - I'd like to let her know that, as you said, I'm not looking for a 'sex toy'. She may very well have the notion that this is the same as swinging, and it's not that in the least. I care about her, and it's not as if when we decided to open things up, I was searching blindly for the closest warm body...but rather, I think she's pretty special and would love to see if something else could develop...and at whatever pace she's comfortable with.
I dunno. One part of me keeps thinking, "yeah, it's not gonna happen"...but the other half is still considering the fact that she didn't have to kiss me back...and that she said she wasn't quite there yet
...although that may have just been talk. Who knows.
And I won't know until I'm able to actually converse with her.