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Old 02-22-2013, 05:58 PM
Tamcat Tamcat is offline
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We argued because I told his friend that I didn't think I could do the poly thing and that I didn't like how it made me feel. (<-- Orange caution. He is not clear why he is upset. Could he be upset because you worry about mono-poly issues? Or is he upset because you told his friend rather than come to him direct? Could it be BOTH? How did he find out you told the friend? )
I told him I told the friend that. He and I are working on being open and honest about things so I wanted to let him know what I'd said to her (she would have just passed it along to him anyway.) I am not clear what he was upset about either- although I suspect there were a lot of factors contributing.

Apparently his friend had already told him she didn't want to move forward with the poly idea, back over the weekend he had told her about some red flags he'd noticed (she's got a strange, unhealthy co-dependent thing with one of the other room mates, doesn't talk about her feelings, isn't honest about feelings/relationship matters) that would have to change before he'd consider having a relationship with her. So me even telling her that I was still struggling with the poly thing (we'd all been discussing it for months now and she and I had talked about the problems I'd been having before) seemed to be a moot point, but it still seemed to upset him.

He seemed to be upset about that- and about the fact that I said that my experiences with poly thus far had been overwhelmingly negative and it made me feel like poly was destructive, that if the original relationship wasn't stable and secure, that adding another one seemed to expose any weaknesses, unhappiness in the original one and erode it till it fell apart.

He extrapolated that into me trying to change him and rejecting him because he's poly and being angry because I knew he was poly when we met, and when we started our own relationship we were both with other people, and now it's not working- and I tried to tell him, that it hasn't worked, that both of those other relationship crumbled, ended. So yeah, my own poly experiences have not been good, and the current situation started off so badly for me that l really do have a negative impression of poly right now, especially the current situation due to how he started things with the friend, and the red flags I'd noticed about her as well.

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I tried to tell him I just wanted to talk to him about it . and see if there was some way we could reach a compromise, something we could both feel better about. <-- Good that you tried to communicate. But orange caution. About WHAT? and HOW? The mono-poly thing only, or telling the friend things rather than telling him direct, or address BOTH issues? You are not giving clear communication about the CONTENT of the conversation. And I'm not sure HOW you deliver your message there either. You do not say. That could play in this. )
Compromise about the poly stuff. Try to find a relationship model we were both comfortable with. Try to see what specifically, it is about poly he wants, and what specifically it is about poly I do not want, and see if there was any way to meet in the middle on anything. And I never got the chance because the entire conversation/argument was him angry and venting and me trying to pull back and keep calm try to put things on pause so he could cool down and we could talk about it later without the anger and insults.

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He said I was mono.(<-- Caution. He is knowing you for you? That's not correct and presuming. Unless you stated you are monoamorous for sure to him previously and he is referring to that.)
He didn't think either of us would bend on that. (Red. You are willing to enter conversation and find out if things can change. He is NOT willing to enter conversation. Is he willing to state WHY? Is it because he is angry you told the friend first and does not feel emotionally safe now? Could ask if this bothers him, could apologize if so. Could that change his willing to enter into serious conversation THEN?)
I am honestly unsure about what I want to be. I have said in the past I thought I was poly, then after the recent negative experiences, that I thought I was monoamorous, though still open to an Open Relationship model. I am willing to try to compromise with him to help our relationship. I am hoping when we get to talk about it some more in a calmer setting, that maybe he will consider any possible ways we could address the things that make me uncomfortable with the current situation.

I don't think he's angry that I talked to the friend, because she and I had been talking all along on and off about things. She and I had been friends as well though not as long as he and her had been friends. The current poly thing damaged my friendship with her to the point that I feel somewhat uncomfortable talking to her now, had only messaged her to try to reopen a bit of dialog because in the past actually talking to her about the poly thing had helped me feel a little less bad about the situation. He'd always encouraged me to talk to her more and I felt like she had the right to know how I felt, that I was struggling because she had told me that she did care about how I felt about things, and I wasn't sure if he had told her I was still having trouble with it. When I did talk to her about it, she told me that she had already told him she didn't want to go any further with things.

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Despite trying to get him to read them, I don't think he has. I think he gets annoyed when I try to get him to read it. (Orange. Caution on the HOW you communicate that -- Requesting he read? Or demanding he read? What is "trying to get him" mean here -- trying to get him to do things against his will? WHAT you communicate matters. So does HOW you communicate. Are you poking the bear? )
I have tried sharing the links with him and telling him how much they have helped me and asking him to please take a look at them when he can. I never demand anything from him, our relationship has a D/s aspect to it with him as the dom and me as the sub, so I tend to tread fairly lightly around him in most cases. When he says no, that's usually the end of it. He hasn't said no to reading the links, he just seems annoyed that I think he needs help with things like conflict resolution and effective communication. I've only brought the websites up maybe 2-3 times in the last several months, but honestly, with as much trouble in those areas as we're having I really wish he would read over them.

Most of our issues seem to be grounded in the two, honestly- conflict resolution and effective communication. I think he and I both need a crash course in how to talk about 'hot button' issues to actually resolve them instead of having them fester and then pop back up over and over again.

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Maybe he doesn't want serious commitment in his polyshipping configuration with you. Maybe he does not want to be held accountable to you.
Do you even want the same open relationship shape? Cannot sort all that without clear communication.
He and I both do seem to want serious commitment in our relationship. He tells me often he doesn't want to lose me, wants me in his life, wants me close, and how much he loves me, and I feel the same about him. I don't know about the relationship model agreement, that is one of the things I am hoping we can sort when we talk next.

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You both create the environment you have the relationship IN. What are YOU doing to create a good environment? What about him?
I feel like I've been trying...I've decided what I want, what I need in a relationship, I'm finding out what makes me feel safe and what makes me feel unsafe, what I'm willing to deal with, compromise on, and what I'm not. I've been trying to offer possible alternatives like: "What if we just decided to date other people?" But he hasn't wanted to explore that idea. I've been trying to do everything he's asked of me and tried to let him know what I need from him, specific things that would help me feel better about things. I've tried to make any changes he's asked for to make him feel better about things, and have taken his advice when there's something I've been doing that has bothered him or made him feel bad. I've tried to reassure him any time he's needed it that he is the most important thing in my life other than my son, and that I do want to be with him and that I do love him and want to try to work with him to make a relationship we are both happy and healthy in.

He has been trying, listening to what I've been asking for and trying to do what I've asked of him when he can, he's been trying to be more present in our relationship and focus more of his time and attention on me (I suspect NRE may have played a big part of how badly things went when he tried to force the poly thing on us with his friend and am thinking maybe he's starting to come out of the NRE fog) and he's been more reassuring, more loving, and more affectionate towards me lately, even discussing the possibility of us living together if we're both able to settle and get our respective lives more stabilized and work through some of the issues we're struggling with in our relationship.

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erhaps ORAL communication is not your strength in this couple at this time. Could maybe try communication by writing letters? Leaving a print out on his desk?
The recent argument there was in text, on Skype. We're in a long distance relationship currently, get to see each other every couple of months for a week or weekend, and stay in contact talking every day on Skype via text, voice, and/or webcam. Sometimes I think we communicate better via voice, when there's less likelihood to misconstrue a tone of voice with the text, but then again, sometimes the text is better for getting your thoughts organized as you type them...it's hard to say.

Last edited by Tamcat; 02-22-2013 at 06:40 PM.
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