Thread: Postmortem
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Old 02-22-2013, 04:37 PM
opalescent opalescent is offline
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: US
Posts: 2,121


Thanks for reminding me of something important. Beaker is still in my life and I am in hers. I value that and I want it to continue. And not everyone is lucky enough to get that. So thank you for the timely reminder of what is actually important!

And, yeah, my intuition totally failed me on this one. She was actually calling to tell me about some awesome job possibilities that may happen fairly soon.

So now I am thinking about why my mind automatically went there and why it freaked me out so.

Could it be, oh, projection?

The one good thing about my small scale freak out is that it made think about if I was ready for a new primary type relationship - or any relationship with some sort of commitment, however that looks like.

I am becoming more attached to Whip than I ever thought possible. To the point where the 'L-word' has come up for me. Could I be falling in love?

Maybe. The NRE is definitely there, even though we've been sexually involved for over a year. I do have reservations about a LTR with him. It is partly the age difference - not so much the years themselves but the stage of life thing. I am not sure if we have enough in common to make a long term thing work. And after the failure of my marriage, where one of the issues was our differences, I am really hesitant about this aspect. Also, he wants kids, in that mid-twenties 'I have plenty of time!' way. So that's an issue - although not an immediate one.

But, I am reallly enjoying getting to know him better. He's so fun! Even though we've been involved for a while, we didn't get to know each other much before as it was more a fuck buddy thing. I just enjoy being with him.

I intellectuallly understand that all relationships do not have to be committed or long term or what not to be relationships. However, this is a difficult concept for me to truly wrap my head around. The thought that a relationship will end, is not meant to be long term and that is ok is something I have difficulty imagining. And if I can't imagine something, I have great difficulty in understanding it, and making it happen in my life, if it is something I want.

Also, I am unsure if I am ready to be in any sort of serious-ish relationship. I keep finding landmines from my relationship with Beaker - like the recent freak out. I say landmines because I don't know they are there. There are things that I know about, that are issues to work on. It's the one's buried in my psyche that worry me. Yes, the freak out pushed me to think about some stuff more but maybe I should figure some of that out first.

Much to think about.
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