View Single Post
Old 02-22-2013, 04:04 PM
sparklepop sparklepop is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 467

Hi Sabriana,

I just wanted to add a little to your thread, if you wanted to read it.

A few things struck me:

You both slept with a new partner, for the first time, on the same night? Presumably a scheduling thing, or with the idea that it would be easier to cope with jealousy if you were both distracted in your own NRE?

I do think that it's a good tactic. But I also think it can have pitfalls.

Not only do you have to deal with your own cloud-9 buzz and coming back down to earth, back down to your relationship... you also have to deal with subconscious or very obvious stress about your partner's poly event. That's two different kinds of emotion swimming around inside you. I do think that it can work very well to arrange dates on the same night... but it helps if you do that when you are in a position to be ready to re-bond afterwards. Otherwise, you may enter a pattern of increased bonding with the new partner and negative bonding with your existing partner.

I think maybe there are a few issues to breakdown here:

Touching Boundaries

Everyone is different.

After being on a date myself, I want to connect to my primary girlfriend - chatting, hanging out, holding, kissing, sex - whichever of these feels good. Not always sex - not often, actually.

After my girlfriend has been on a date, I often want to close up. I definitely hate the thought of having sex with her. Sometimes, I avoid interaction with her, because she can carry a lot of visible arousal and excitement that scratches at my insecurity triggers. I'd often rather wait until the following day. That's just how I am.

Her husband, on the other hand, always wants to have sex with her after she's been out with someone else. Especially if she's had sex with them. Sometimes, my girlfriend likes this too. Sometimes, my girlfriend really doesn't want this.

In time, I'm sure you will figure out what *you* want simply regarding the touching thing.


The other obvious element here is:

Are you still attracted to your husband? Are you still in love with him? Do you still enjoy sex with him?

If so, your reaction is likely to be down to the point above (touching/personal space/cloud 9 private time) - OR - the point below.

If the answer is 'no', obviously there might be something here you need to look at. For example, that you are actually preferring your new guy to your husband, for whatever reason, that you will either want to work towards re-balancing, or work towards understanding and coming to a decision point.

Trust and Hurt

There is a cycle of resentment here.

You fell in love with a boyfriend - husband felt hurt.
You then dumped boyfriend - you felt resentment.
He then got a girlfriend - did you feel resentment about that?
He then lied and broke boundaries - revenge or bad behaviour caused by his own resentment about how *he* felt you treated him in the past?
You are now wrapped up in NRE with boyfriend - deep-seated resentment about the way husband treated you? Having your head turned by someone who seems so much better, someone who hasn't hurt you? Subconsciously punishing hubby by withdrawing?

You said yourself that possibly, the reason you recoiled at his touch was because you felt betrayed yet again, you had flashes of him with another woman.

I wish I was over him hurting me already. Its getting old even for me.
Hurt takes time to heal and so often, we go looking for new relationships before we are really there yet in our existing one. How long has it been since he broke the boundaries with his ex and then started seeing this new girl? How long before you started dating your guy?

How are you and your husband working on your own relationship? How much time and attention are you each giving to your new relationships? Are you each letting yourselves emotionally hide 'inside' other people, instead of facing each other?

I ask because I went through this pattern myself last year. My girlfriend dated like a maniac last summer and I felt that her behaviour during the first year of our poly relationship was hurtful. So, I threw myself into dating other people. I didn't realise it at the time, but I was trying to distract myself and, in a very subconscious way, punish her by saying "fine, you want to go out and break our boundaries, do whatever you like - watch me do it too".

I actually went and put myself on a poly dating ban for about 5 months, starting in the Fall just gone. I stopped looking online, stopped seeking other partners and forced myself to be 'single' in terms of partners outside my girlfriend. It helped so much. Instead of a constant whirlwind of each of us dealing with our own NRE, emotional spikes and lulls, jealousy, insecurity, balancing, nurturing, etc, we just focussed on one thing at a time. She started a relationship with someone and we worked through that slowly together, whilst I remained on my self-imposed poly ban.

Being on the ban helped me to deal with my past issues regarding her behaviour, my hurt, any resentment, etc. It helped me to focus on our relationship and be able to better re-focus her attention. She wasn't distracted with jealousy over my relationships - so she only had to deal with the balancing and nurturing side of the poly coin. 5 months of this and she has become more honest, patient, warm and caring than I've ever seen before.

I started to feel secure and strong in myself and in her love for me again, and so, I am now going to slowly start looking for dating potentials again.

Incidentally, in terms of resentment cycles and hurt...

Like you, I had ideas about how my girlfriend had hurt me in the past. I too broke up with lovers because of her. (not because she forced me - but because it all got too much for her, and for myself). I realised, through conversations with her, that she had her very own list of ways that I'd hurt her in the past. Things I hadn't even thought about. If you can accept that humans do hurt other humans at times without realising it, or being equipped to stop it straight away, it can be easier to move on from this and avoid continuing the cycle.

GalaGirl once gave me an analogy of poly being like a waterbed. If it's rocky between the people already on it, adding extra bodies is only going to make it wobble all over the place.

Overall, I'm not suggesting you each break up with your other partners - you're already invested now. But, it would be worth doing extra work on your own relationship. Making time (or more time) for dates together, perhaps even poly marriage counselling for a short while to help iron out the kinks. Recognising when you feel the pull of NRE and using that feeling as a flag, telling you to refocus on your existing relationship. Perhaps, if either of your outside relationships end, consider a 3-6 month period of only one of you continuing to date your existing other partner, so that you can deal with one poly-related issue at a time until you are in a more healthy couple environment.

If you start looking at the *cycle* of resentment, rather than what *he* did to cause *your* resentment, it might start to help you to gradually let go of the hurt and reconnect in the right way.
Me: 32f, evolving

“Peace comes from within. Do not seek it without." ~ Buddha

Last edited by sparklepop; 02-22-2013 at 04:11 PM.
Reply With Quote