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Old 02-22-2013, 01:35 PM
sparklepop sparklepop is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 467

Welcome, Jeteo

Your husband isn't treating your relationship as a marriage - he's treating it as a dictatorship. And as GalaGirl once said to me... he's being flipping FRESH!!!

In terms of D/s, are you bottom and top, not 24/7 Master and slave? I'm guessing that you have not committed to handing over your entire life - simply sexual submission? And now your husband is saying he *does* want a slave/houseboy? Then, don't act like his slave - be his husband. Stand up for what you want. It's your right.

Of course he should be able to *express* what he wants. Expressing sounds like this:

"This might be very difficult for you to hear. I have reached a stage in my life where I have realised there is something I desperately want/need. I want/need a 24/7 D/s dynamic and I would like to have someone who lives with me, or us, who can fulfill this role. Is this something you could consider?"

Demanding is this:

"I want a slave/houseboy. I'm in love with this new boy and he has to come and move in with us. If you don't like this idea, you can leave."

Last month he dropped this huge bomb on me: he said he hasnít been happy for the past YEAR(!), that he isnít sexually attracted to me as much as before (and modesty aside I am good looking, fit, attractive and could get laid in less than 10 minutes if Iíd want to) and that he didnít love me as much as before. He said he wanted James to become our house boy/slave boy and live permanently with us, and that he wants to travel the world (literally selling everything we have to travel the world like gypsies). This was all said within 1 hour; I was devastated, I couldnít believe that I had been married to this stranger; I couldnít and still canít recognize this person.
Can you say Mid-Life Crisis?

This is NRE gone mental.

If this helps at all, I'd like you to consider something that I strongly believe in. I believe that NRE is not actually the process of falling in love with someone *else*... it's the process of falling in love with *yourself*. We feel NRE because this new person makes *us* feel good. In your husband's case, James makes him feel hot, because he's a young guy and it convinces your husband that he's still attractive at 47. It likely also makes him feel in control; obviously an important need for a Dom. It's why NRE junkies exist - they need that constant buzz of attention and adoration, because of the way it makes them feel about *themselves*.

I say this to you because I don't think it is *you* that is the problem. I think that your husband has reached the stage that many people do at his age. Also, at this stage in a relationship - the 10 year slump/itch. Of course, he could have fallen out of love with you - but that doesn't mean it's your fault. It doesn't mean you're a horrid, unattractive or unlovable person. It simply means that you are no longer working for each other in the same way.

Your husband is not acting like a husband - there are no two ways about this. He says he doesn't love you as much, doesn't find you as attractive, so he wants to move a younger guy in and thinks that is acceptable? As if, somehow, you should say "Oh of course darling - if you're not attracted to me any more, you should absolutely move in someone who is more attractive to you! Get that need met, my love!" No, no, no.

I am strongly opposed to having James with us, since itís clear that he is indeed a threat to my relationship and that I am at risk of losing my husband to a boy we met 2 months ago. James also wants to come live with us, he says he likes us both, but clearly he likes my husband bestÖ James and I are bottoms and my husband is the only top.
I don't blame you for being strongly opposed. Even if James wasn't a threat in the slightest, it's *your* right to have your say on who lives with *you*.

Do I try to see if this arrangement will work at all? Should I just leave my husband, even if I love him and have been together and faithful to him for the past 10 years?
You shouldn't have been put into this position in the first place. You've been given an ultimatum, not a consideration. If your husband really wants this but still wants you and values your marriage, we're talking about "I'd really like James to move in. I'd like you to consider this over the next 6 months and see if we can work towards it. I must warn you that if you cannot, my needs may not be met and this might cause me to reconsider our compatibility."

It's *completely* acceptable to say that you don't want anyone else living with you - now, or in the future. It's completely acceptable to assert your own wants and needs. If they aren't compatible, it doesn't mean you should cave.

What worries me is that you might spend another 10 years with your husband, he might swan off around the world with James, or another younger boy. You'll come out of a 20 year relationship, you'll be 38. No doubt, you'll still be hot But you'll have missed so many opportunities.

We got together when I was 18, Iím not sure I want/am ready to start a new life from scratchÖ
This is an incredibly terrifying concept, I know. Nobody here can tell you that you should leave. You're describing a problem in your marriage - not your ten year relationship. The only thing I can do for you is put various options out there and give you food for thought.

Anecdote time:

Like Annabel, I've always had a thing for older partners. In D/s we call that mommy/boy and daddy/girl... or in our case mommy/girl and daddy/boy It's never been a fetish of mine in the actual fetish sense - but it became blindingly obvious to me that I was seeking some kind of parental figure in my relationships. (I'm sure I still am - my girlfriend is 38 and I'm 28!)

Almost every partner I've had has been older. I want to tell you about one in particular. When I was 18, I met a man who was 31. I fell in love with him and it was an intensely special relationship that lasted 5 years. I would have married him and probably spent at least 10 years with him; if not my entire life.

I was petrified about leaving him. I loved him very deeply, he was and still is my soul mate. (We are still very close, after 10 years of knowing each other). But, when I left him, a new chapter in my life began. I got to travel a bit, I got to explore other people, explore myself. I became more confident, independent, strong. I was no longer dependent on him looking after me. And don't get me wrong; I wasn't a mess when I was with him. I was a very happy person. But leaving that relationship dynamic did me the world of good.

The thought I want to leave you with is this...

There are many different kinds of relationships.

It is possible to change a relationship into something more healthy.

It is possible to have a relationship of companionship, or even romantic love, it is possible to remain married, or remain close, whilst not necessarily living together.

It is possible to walk out of the door, but leave it open.

Some relationships are very special - and yours very well might be. Some relationships are valuable, even if they end or change. Some relationships are only right for a certain amount of time.

Could your husband fulfill his fantasy of having a house boy? Could he even do his mid-life-crisis thing and go travelling around the world? Could you go and do your late-twenties thing and see what else is out there too? All of these things are possible. Could you stay and have James move in? You could... but if I were in your shoes, I wouldn't take that unwanted path.

The grass is always greener and to be honest, the chances are that James moved in, your husband would tire of having a houseboy soon enough. If he went travelling, he'd probably realise what a fool he was being soon enough, too. Or, of course, he'd realise that this is really what he wants. And if that is the case, why stay in a marriage that is no longer compatible, wasting your youth, love, time and - let's face it - hotness on half-met dreams, whilst he fulfills all of his? Marriage is about compromise, about putting each other's needs first at times. But it is not about denying all of yours in order to let them have theirs.
Me: 32f, evolving

ďPeace comes from within. Do not seek it without." ~ Buddha
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