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Old 02-22-2013, 12:27 PM
sparklepop sparklepop is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 467

Hi Tamcat,

I am sincerely sorry to hear about your Dad. That along with the separation from your husband are two major life events coinciding and you must be feeling very rocky indeed. It's no wonder you are seeking some security in your life. I completely understand this. I remember your older posts and just read through them again to refresh myself a little on your situation.

I know that Q hasn't always been there for you in terms of this and I know that he originally expressed that he didn't want you to leave your husband.

This whole "being 'right' for poly" idea is something I've thought about a great deal over the past two years. Like Q, my girlfriend often told me that she thought I wanted monogamy, that I wasn't 'suited' to poly. Like Q, she could be impatient, sometimes cold, often steaming ahead and asserting her freedom. (Incidentally, we are both Dommes and since Q is a Dom, there might be a common trait there of needing to assert control and need to push ahead with almighty force )

I came to realise, over time, that yes, insecurity and jealousy are greater struggles for some that others. But also, feeling those things doesn't mean that you aren't 'right' for poly. What about compassion, patience, nurturing, the ability to balance, the ability to show commitment? That is what you have needed from Q. Not displaying those traits consistently doesn't necessarily make him 'good' at poly, either.

It was awful, and I wasn't consulted or given any say in any of it, when I tried to tell him I wasn't comfortable with things, that it was scary, painful, he would just tell me he didn't understand why, he still loved me, how he felt about me hadn't changed, and this was just something he had to do.
This here kind of says it all. You want to feel like his partner; not his audience. The question is: is Q capable of making you feel that way? Does he actually truly want you to be his partner; his primary partner?

He has apologized numerous times for the way he handled things there, and says he realizes he did pretty much everything wrong there. But I am extremely gunshy from how bad an experience that was.
This, though, is really something to look at. You have to try to look at the fact that he has actually accepted ownership for the way he treated you. Of course, you have taken ownership for your part in the problems too. But that's the start of good conflict resolution, isn't it... each owning up to what you have done?

I made friends with another couple, they're poly, she's bi, both kinky and we've discussed playing together. I got permission from my boyfriend to do a scene (BDSM) with them at a play party and it was amazing. The guy and I have really hit it off and have been texting daily and the 3 of us have been making plans to get together to hang out and get to know each other, even if just as friends, although they've both made it clear they'd love to get involved sexually, though they respect my restrictions with my boyfriend right now.
So, he gave permission to do a scene, but not a fully sexual scene? Did he give reasons for this? But he has played with other submissives since you've known him? Or am I getting this wrong? Are you collared to him? Is he your Master, or your Dom?

My boyfriend is nervous about this new development, despite having encouraged me to get out and meet people and find people to play with. I'm wondering if his change of heart suddenly saying he does want to be with me might be motivated by fear of losing me instead of him really deciding that's what he wants and as much as I want to trust him and believe that we might end up together, I'm scared to because of all the problems we've had up to this point.
You know, from a poly perspective... the shoe is almost always different when it is on the other foot. When *we* are actively dating others, we are leaning one side of the poly coin. We are leaning those things I mentioned earlier - empathy, compassion, balancing, not going insane with NRE, patience. When we watch our partner date, we have to deal with the other side of the coin - jealousy, insecurity, fear, compersion.

It could very well be absolutely true that he is now clinging through fear. This isn't necessarily 'bad' or invalid, though. Sometimes we take people for granted until we are faced with fear of losing them. I think this could be a very pivotal moment in your relationship.

...see if there was some way we could reach a compromise, something we could both feel better about, and he didn't think we could, said he felt like he was poly, hard wired that way and I was mono and didn't think either of us would bend on that,
How have you felt about these texts and this possible sexual play with your new friends? Do you like that idea? If so, are you really mono? (love aside... are you polysexual at all?)

Don't let him tell you what you are - only you know this. If you really are mono, but want to be mono/poly with him, I don't see the problem with that.

Essentially, what he might be saying is that he simply does not have the strength or patience to keep reassuring you, if you guys got into a mono/poly relationship. After three years, perhaps he is seeing a compatibility issue? Perhaps he's realising his own limitations in terms of what he can offer you - both in terms of his personality and a relationship structure?

despite me asking him repeatedly if we could wait and talk about it when we were both calmer and in a better headspace where we were both trying to come from caring about each other's wellbeing instead of being angry and defensive.
I agree with Gray here - it's about taking that step to actually get off the phone (or wherever you were having this argument). Ultimately, it stops you being in the line of fire when he isn't thinking clearly and gives him time to calm down, without you having to put yourself in the way of emotional shrapnel.

And it may take me saying, "No. Hey- this is a deal breaker here. I need you to do this for us or I can't go on with this."
What is it that you want him to do.... what is the deal breaker? (I'm a bit confused). Did you mean his arguing style and the way he doesn't seem to want to learn, read the threads and change his opinion and meet you in the middle? Or did you mean being poly?

How do I know if I can do poly or not? I think I'd rather just try an open relationship, with either of us having a say in who the other plays with. To me that seems less scary than opening up a relationship to other relationships and the complications of the other feelings involved.
I think like many things in life, you'll know when you get there. I used to doubt if I could 'do' poly. After two years, I realised that I *do* like poly - I just need a patient and nurturing partner to do this with. I also need a happy, secure and committed primary relationship. I like hierarchical poly and it works for me. Like you say; it's about realising and affirming what you want - both to yourself and to him.

One final point... something that stands out to me about your posts... You are doing a lot of 'waiting' in your relationship. You've been waiting for three years, essentially. Waiting for him to show more commitment, waiting for him to show more understanding, waiting for him to *tell* you how your relationship is going to be? You're not passive - you're actively trying to talk to him, to work with him, to educate both of you.... But you're coming up against a wall.

He's dug his heels in about being poly - he's gone ahead and done it, moved at his own pace, acted independently of your relationship. That's hurtful to you, because it isn't what you want. But, he might feel the same way. He might think that *you* are digging your heels in too, to have a mono or not-quite-poly relationship, with more control over each other than he wants. That might be upsetting for him too.

Something to think about...

You turned (and became attached) to Q when you were in an unhappy marriage. You've spent three years in love with him. He still isn't giving you what you want. He still isn't giving you a commitment. (From what I can see from your post? Tell me if I've misunderstood this).

It might be worth thinking about the following options:
- getting your wants and needs straight in your mind, re: what kind of relationship structure you need
- communicating this to him clearly
- getting a clear understanding of what he wants, at this point
- being honest with each other about your personalities, your needs and what you can both realistically offer
- considering the option of exploring poly for yourself; dating others, finding a primary partner who isn't Q
- stepping back from Q altogether for a while

The bottom line is that you have to make sure you choose the right partner for your emotional health and happiness. Perhaps Q is a very important and valuable part of your life - but perhaps not in the way you currently would like him to be. It comes down to what he wants to offer and what you can accept. If you enter into an 'open' situation, with a say over who you can and can't play with, you're essentially still both asserting control over each other. It just seems to me that he's been crying out for freedom and you've been crying out for commitment. I'll come back and read any updates you make and I really am sorry again that you are in this position.
Me: 32f, evolving

“Peace comes from within. Do not seek it without." ~ Buddha
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