Thread: New beginnings
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Old 02-22-2013, 10:08 AM
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Natja Natja is offline
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Originally Posted by Butterfly83 View Post

New to this space and hoping any wives on here have some information on bringing a new female into a marriage.
You cannot 'bring' someone into your marriage, each dyad is its own unique thing. Try to move away from the mindset that this is 'your' relationship also, it isn't. You can have a relationship with your husbands partner but that will also be its own unique thing and will develop as it will, as long as you are both respectful and understanding to each others needs that should be the minimum, you need not be friends, but that would be ideal, anything above and beyond that will be a matter for time and effort, do not try to force anything in an attempt to experience what they have.
What do you do if your you feel your unit is not as solid?
Are you comparing it to theirs? As in 'their relationship seems more solid? If so, I would suggest that is just the NRE effect which makes everything look rose tinted, trust me, it will wear off and their relationship will have the same ups and downs.

If you mean it does not seem a very solid relationship in general, before Poly entered it, I would suggest Poly was not a safe thing to do at this moment. Poly has the effect of amplifying problems, if your communication was bad, it will be worse under Poly, if you were having sexual issues, it will be worse under Poly. Better to work on your relationship and getting it strong before anyone starts looking for other partners.

Can the new partner be equal in reality, or is your primary the main priority?
Does the new partner want to be a primary? This is something that concerns her, it will not do for you (or both of you) to make arbitrary decisions on her life without her say so, or change the boundaries and rules her relationships without her input, that is working in a hierarchal way in itself. If your husband having a co-primary, ever, is a no no for you, than you must tell him straight away that he needs to be your #1 priority so this can be something that is discussed between him and his partner so she knows she is free to seek a primary partnership in the future if that is what she would want. If you are open to having a co-primary than it is up the them where and if their relationship heads that way. That need not mean she will set up house with your and y'all be sisterwives or similar. But if you DO choose to be open to it, than you must accept that you will not be the #1 priority in all things and your husband will have an equal responsibility towards his relationship with her also. If you can both accept that and support it and she can do the same, than you can have a lovely relationship with her.
How important is the primary relationship above the other? What if there is disagreement over this?
That honestly depends on whether you want to place the primary relationship above the other. This is not a priority for everyone and some people do not work in or like hierarchal relationships (I don't, I find it degrading but others are perfectly happy, it depends on what people may want at a time in their lives).

How do you create boundaries so everyone gets what they need long term?
Communication x3, never hold it in (to 'keep the peace' ) never say 'yes' to something you don't want because you feel pressured and speak up when your needs are not being met. That speaking up is your responsibility, your husbands responsibility is to make sure he is not neglecting one relationship for another. This is not an easy thing to do being a hinge partner may seem like fun and games, but it is actually jolly hard so be patient, but also be firm.

How do you integrate when children are involved?
I think that depends on the longevity of the relationship and depends on how much time this partner will spend with the family. I would say it is best to wait and see, in the early days she is the friend of the family, if it ever gets to the point where she is spending significant times with the children you may need to think about it, but at this point I think dwelling upon it would be putting the horse before the cart and projecting too much into the future of this particular relationship.

And of course, contain that green eyed monstor?
Everyone has their own take on this so don't be surprised by multiple answers but I don't believe it can be contained but it can be understood and it will lose power over time. When I first experienced jealousy it was like a knife in my heart, after some time of confronting why I was experiencing it and the fact that it come from a place that was possessive and insecure, it lost some of its ability to hurt me and instead because a slightly dull ache which I was quickly able to sweep away because I was reassured that I was valid and was loved and needed. If you are not getting that validation from your partner that will make it harder to sweep those feelings away, if you are not confident and believe strongly in your relationship, than again, it would be hard to deal with those feelings. If you never communicated with your partner that they may be doing something (unintentionally) that will amplify the feelings of insecurity, it again will be hard to deal with those feelings.

So, wrt communication, your responsibility is to communicate your feelings to your partner and respect the validity of his other relationship with her, do not try to ingratiate yourself into it or control it from outside.

His responsibility is to make sure he communicates his feelings to the both of you, that he does not neglect one partnership for the other and when he receives communication that he is not living up to his responsibilities than he takes action.

Her responsibility is to communicate what she wants from the relationship. To be respectful and understanding of your relationship to him also and not to try to ingratiate or control it from the outside either.


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