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Old 02-22-2013, 06:27 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is online now
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 3,302

However, I gleaned from the post (though possibly incorrectly) that she knew coming into the relationship-that this wasn't a monoship (she's been the gf for 2 years, the bf has been the bf for 6).
I do not believe she has a right to DEMAND that she get a monoship and her feelings, needs, wants etc are MORE important.
I agree, LR. Nobody has the right to DEMAND. One requests things in relationship. HOW one expresses those requests matter.

But I am not actually hearing "demand" or "order" type language here. (I could be wrong too, I admit I am tired. I also have not gone looking for other related posts to see if there's more info.)

In the re-read I'm just not seeing GF talking order-ish. OP FEELS ordered, but where is the "order" language?

I see OP called it "My GF is ordering me..." in the title. OP writes that, not GF.

I see what the OP reports along the lines of

1) My GF was aware BF and I have been working on things and getting closer.
2) I make my GF aware that things have changed and sex is back on the table with me and BF on that side of the V.
3) GF says "I don't want you sleeping w your bf, it's very important to me. I just really needs this right now so I can be comfortable."

There I am assuming punctuation making it a "verbatim" kind of statement. It was not originally that way. I perceive "right now" as "right now at this time."
Fair enough. The GF has given her first impressions when made aware of a new change that can impact her health too. This JUST happened.

It doesn't read like "ORDER" talk to me. The OP state GF was aware and somewhat supportive of the BF talks and growing closer-ness. Does not state the GF concerns. But overall that seems like GF is realistic about her being in a polyship, sharing the hinge person with the Other, that changes on the other side of the V arm are how is this being in denial GF is in a polyship? Or the GF being not supportive at all?

To me this reads like "A Thing in Progress" right now. In those shoes? I would ask for more info and clarify/verify then.

OP has not done that yet. There is no report that OP has said "Thank you for being supportive of me while I was working things with BF. Thanks for hearing me as I updated you and made you aware that sex is back on the table. Thanks for you initial impressions. So... when could YOU AND I talk more deeply and digest this more fully now that you are aware of new changes on that side of the V?"

OP could choose to do that.

I perceive the OP is currently upset. I perceive OP could be here:
  • I do not want her to ask me for permanent abstinence. I cannot give that. I am afraid if she asks me that, this is the end of the polyship. I could ask if she is asking this.
  • I do not want her to ask me to choose between then. I am afraid that is the end of the polyship. I could ask if she's asking this.
  • I was not given a time frame for how long this "sex time out" thing could be. I do not like that. I could ask for one.
  • I was not told what things she needs to work on inside to become comfortable. I do not like not knowing. I could ask for this. I could offer my support of her as she does this work.
  • I was not told how I would be informed of her progress in her inner work so I can be assured she is not foot dragging or stringing me along. I fear being strung along. I need reassure. I could ask for this.
  • I feel frightened when I think about being trapped in a monoship. I need reassure this is not what this is. That this is not "cowgirly things" but rather just "polyship management talking" and "digesting things as new changes arise." I could ask for reassure.

Maybe other things that the OP could be feeling.

GF is not here to speak. But from her side? I could see a possibility of her feeling tired of this stuff too:

We have had this argument so many times where I tell her you need to make the conscious decision to be in a poly relationship and put in the effort w me to at least begin accepting it and not fighting it. I told her if its not right for you I'm not holding you prisoner. I don't want you to resent me for the rest of our lives and be "waiting around" for me to "settle down" cuz that's unfair to both of us.
... if it comes out "so many times." Maybe it isn't the GF. Maybe it is the OP pulling it out and wearing it like a chip on the shoulder.
  • "I will never be monoamorous! Accept me how I am or end the polyship!"

Maybe she could be feeling like...
"Fine. You are not monoamorous. Yay. Can you accept YOU are in a polyship now? When you make it be about "I'm not holding you prisoner..." it feels like you are showing me the door and don't want to engage with me and do not want to be with me in a polyship.

When I ask for polyship management talking, stop wearing that thing like a chip on your shoulder. SEE me in this polyship? I am HERE already. I KNOW you are not monomorous. I know BF exists! I am not in denial. I have been here for two years! So talk to me already... about polyship management things and be emotionally available to me rather than throwing up defense walls and emotionally shutting me out.

I have been made aware of a new change that could affect me. Will there be changes in the calendar now since we have to fit in sexy time with the BF? Will I need to be doing labs for myself or expect to see labs from you guys? What's the BC/pregnancy plan gonna be now? New issues have arisen that affect ME too. Talk to me, please."
Could that be an angle to consider?

We could all guess till the cows come home. But that's not helping OP and the GF get on with the polyship managment talk in real life. Only they know what's up over there.

OP -- what do YOU need at this time? What's your plan now? Chill first? Then talk to the GF later?

I think you could vent the upset first here or to other "safe zone" friends in real life. Then could go get your clarify/verify with the GF and talk when you are feeling better. Go sort it out. I would go like that if it were me. Assess what we actually have going on here, and then decide what choice is next for yourself that serves you best.

Everyone holds their own baggage. People change, feelings change, things change. That's the only constant. Change. Time moves.


Last edited by GalaGirl; 02-22-2013 at 08:00 AM.
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