Originally Posted by sparklepop
Can I ask what poly boundary J broke with R, or is that irrelevant / too personal? I'm a nosy bitch, what can I say?
It's pretty personal, but I asked for advice so here's the situation - I had brain surgery, and it was something that we knew about a month or so in advance. J and I discussed the fact that while I was in the hospital, he should probably be with me. Extenuating circumstances and all that. R knew about the surgery date/time etc., and seemed to be understanding about him spending some of what was usually their time with me. The day of the surgery, he left me alone in the ICU to see her. He told me that he was coming home to sleep for work the next day. When they were making plans, she didn't even ask about why he suddenly had time to see her. Now I've been a secondary to many people, and I've been in similar situations. Regardless of my personal feelings or how much I wanted to see the person I have always at least asked what the deal was. It's a logical question, to me. And he broke our arrangement by lying, clearly, but also because we're supposed to tell each other who/where/when we see other people.
I've also had people I was dating tell me they needed time away from me to deal with issues with their primaries, and it sucks, but doesn't it sort of come with the territory? I would never expect someone to put their primary relationship in jeopardy just because I wanted to spend time with them.
I guess I would have felt differently about her if she had ever acted in a way that made me think she respected me, but that didn't happen. I was attempting to keep the original post concise, but there were many other, smaller things over the course of their association that made me uncomfortable. She was always very dismissive and challenging about our boundaries, she made snide comments about me, she "outed" us to one of my coworkers... just general passive-aggressive nonsense that caused stupid drama. I had veto power the entire time and chose not to use it, which is my mistake, but I don't think that I treated her as less than human at any point.