I'd like to add some more info to clear up the questions you posed, GalaGirl- heading to bed now, but the main thing I wanted to add is re. this:
despite me asking him repeatedly if we could wait and talk about it when we were both calmer and in a better headspace where we were both trying to come from caring about each other's well being instead of being angry and defensive. (Red. That is you pushing a point. You SEE his is upset. Do you stop poking the upset bear? No. You keep on poking the bear. How does this move communication forward? How does this create emotionally safe space for him "unbear" and not clam up now, or to be more willing in future? How does this show respect? )
My asking him repeatedly if we could wait and talk about it when we were calmer was in the course of the 2 hour fight, in which he was upset and venting at me and gaslighting and assigning negative connotations to my words and twisting around the meanings of whatever I was trying to say to him, so I was attempting to ask to please put the discussion on hold since it was damaging and nonconstructive and try again when we were both calmer instead.